The King of the Ringssss, Precioussss!
by Serena Kenobi
Summary: A whacky and hilarous LOTR parody about Frodo and the rest of the gang. Read and enjoy their troubles, sorrows, and utter stupidity! Please R&R!
1. The Genesis of the Quest

_The King of the Ringssssssss, Precioussss_

Warning: Use extreme Caution!

This story is only for people who have seen Lord of the Rings, Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, and The Chronicles of Narnia. All those who have not, then please take notice.

Disclaimer: Don't own LOTR... whatever...

Chapter 1: The Genesis of the Quest

Once there was a hobbit who found a ring. Not just any old ring, not a ring that was beat up, not a ring that was hundreds of years old and happened to be made by Sauron. Well, never mind. Anyway, the ring passed to a young dude hobb by de name of Frodo. Now this guy had it good, nice house, nice garden, an uncle who was always looking at his stupid old ring. I mean, c'mon Uncle Bill, it's just a ring. You can stop looking at it now. As I was saying, this Frodo got sent on a mission to get to a village called Bree. This old wizard dude named Gandalf made him go.

"Frodo my lad," he said, "this ring is evil and needs to be destroyed. This task was appointed to you, and if you do not find a way, no one will."

"Hey, that was Galadriel's line," Frodo protested.

"Who cares, just shut your mouth and get movin'!" Gandalf shouted, booting Frodo out the door. "And bring your gardener boy Sam with you, or you'll die," Gandalf called. So Frodo did.

On his way to Bree, Frodo stumbled upon some annoying cousins of his, Merry and Pippin. After being chased by some lunatics in black hoods on black horses, (asylum staff, please make sure you count your whackos each day, so a thing like this won't happen again) the four hobbs ended in Bree. When they got to the inn at Bree, Frodo met a pal of Gandalf's called Strider.

"Wassup, Frods, how's it goin' these days?" he said.

"Uh, not bad at all now that you mention it. But now that you ask, I have been having a little trouble with some black riders who-" Frodo started to say.

"Oh, that's nice," Strider interrupted, "those are just some old kings who got into that bad guy Sauron. He's not too deck, if ya know what I mean." He winked at Frodo.

"Ummm, that's nice and all, but could you help us? We are in kind of a dilemma, if you follow me," said Frodo, not quite figuring this guy out.

"Hey, that's what I'm supposed to say," Sam cut in.

"Too bad for ya, Sammy boy," Strider said, "now how 'bout we go hunt some horse. We'll go to Rivendell where there are some old pals of mine. And a real sweet girl," he added.

Frodo thought for a minute. "Okay," he said, "but I don't care a chrysanthemum about the first part. But the last part sounds good."

"Hey, whatever ya say, Frods," Strider said, "we'll just keep it cool, if ya take my meaning." he winked again. Frodo's cousin, Pippin, was feeling more uncomfortable by the second. "Um, how do we know if you're a friend of us?" he asked.

"If I'm a friend, I'll cut off your head, that's what I always say," Strider said.

"What!" the four hobbits shouted.

"Er, what I mean is you can trust me because...because I'll buy you each another pint of beer if you'll let me lead you to Rivendell. Hey, maybe I'll be nice and shoot some deer for you on the way. If someone can cook venison, it's me," Strider added nervously.

"It's 'It is I'," Frodo corrected, being a grammar freak.

"Whatever," Strider shrugged.

Merry was thoroughly convinced. "Okay!" he said enthusiastically, "when does the beer part come in?"

"Whenever ya want, me boy," Strider said.

"Cool, dude," Merry said, starting for the door.

"You've had a whole half already," Sam protested.

"Eh, what's it matter," Merry said, opening the door.

"It matters to me," Pippin said, "I'm getting one." Sam shook his head in defeat. "I give up," he grumbled.  
After they had their beer, the company went up to their room.

"Wait, chaps," Strider said, "something's up. Can ya hear that racket?" Everyone listened and heard a familiar screech. Maybe it was the director's wife, but then again, maybe it wasn't. Actually it was the same lunatics from the dreaded Minas Morgul Asylum, and they were coming nearer.

"Quick!" Strider shouted, "Follow me!" he led the frightened, but not nearly frightened enough troop of hobbits to the other inn where they hid.

"But we're only across the street," Frodo said, "They could still have a good chance of finding us."

"Cool your cucumbers, Frods," Strider said casually. "Those ash trays don't have a bit of a clue where we are."

"Then how come they're in our old room right now?" Sam asked, pointing to the opposite window. Strider and the rest of the gang looked and saw their beds turn to fluff when the Black Beauties stabbed them over and over again. (They never quite got over it when they saw Sauron kill all those good guys. But hey, be that as it may, they shouldn't take it out on innocent bed covers.) Then the guys watched the dark dudes scream in frustration, then leave with hoofs pounding in the dark.

"So now what do you think about horse hunting?" Frodo asked Strider.

"I think it's a totally deck decision," Strider said, pulling out his sword.

"But you said that-"

"Eh, never mind what I just said," Strider said, thrusting his sword quickly back into its sheath. "Let's just forget the whole thing and have another beer to celebrate our exciting escapade."

"Ohh, yeah!" Pippin and Merry said.

"Ohh, no!" Sam protested, "Not this again!"

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	2. Strider and the Hobbs

Okieee dokee, chaps, here's the next chappie! ENJOY, I DOTH COMMAND YOU!

Disclaimer: See first chappie, maties!

Chapter 2: Strider and the Hobbs

The troop left the next morning for Rivendell, and was making good progress. On the fifth day, Strider led them through a swamp, filled with flies, fish, and plenty of mosquitoes. But to cheer up their swampy and saddened spirits, Strider caught a deer just like he had promised them. Unfortunately, he broke the other promise by the way he cooked it. The poor Hobbs tried not to rip their teeth out when biting into it.

"You overdid it this time, Strider," Frodo said, not meaning as a compliment while he ripped out another hunk of meat.

"It was nothin' at all, Frods," Strider said, slapping him on the back, "I'm glad ya like it."

"Whoever said anything about liking this rock-hard uneatable stuff?" Merry mumbled, picking at a too tough piece.

"Ouchies," Frodo winced as he rubbed his sore back.

"Now, dudes," Strider said, "let's not cry and complain. There aren't no black guys yet, and we've done good so far."

"It's 'There aren't _any_ black guys yet', and 'we've done _well _so far,' " Frodo pointed out.

"Oh would ya shaddap wit da gramma, Frods? I'm gettin' kinda sick of dem," Strider said.

"Why should I?" Frodo asked. "I'm sick of you and the way you talk. I'm not taking to it too kindly."

"Well that's just goodie gumdrops for youu," Strider said, throwing his hunk of meat away. "Now let's all get some nice an' good rest, you're gonna need it for tamarra."  
"We're gonna need it for _what_?" Merry asked. "I didn't understand what you just said."

"I _said_," Strider answered "We're gonna need it for TOMORROW." He annunciated the last word.

"Oh," Merry said, making a bed for himself, "well, excuse moi for not understanding you."

"Dat's okay," Strider grinned, slapping _him_ on the back this time.

"Youchers!" Merry cried, jumping about ten feet in the air.

"Tee hee hee," Pippin giggled, wrapping his cloak up.

"Hey, that's not nice," Merry complained, rubbing his back.

"Thank goodness it wasn't me this time," Frodo said.

For the next few days the troop kept traveling towards Rivendell without any sign of the black whackos at all. They walked through woods, fields, and hills, and not having any fun whatsoever, the hobbits were getting tired and impatient.

"Are we almost there?" Pippin kept asking, which drove Strider to a point of almost sheer insanity. One day he was so fed up with Pippin that he said bluntly, "Look, Pippin, I'll tell you when we're there; just quit askin' an' shuttup, would ya? Yer makin' me insane! Do ya want me ta go insane? I wouldn't know where I was goin', and you'd all be lost forever!"

The four hobbits looked at each other.

"You're not insane already?" Frodo asked.

"Yeah, you sure act like it," Sam said. His suspicion of Strider was finally confirmed, and he felt victorious. "As I said earlier," he continued, "how do we know if Strider's a friend of Gandalf's?"

"Gandalf's not _my_ friend," Frodo said, now disliking Strider even more.

"Hey," Sam said, "that's not what you're supposed to say. You're supposed to say-"

"I know what I have to do, Sam," Frodo said with his teeth clenched.

"But that part comes later in the movie," Sam said.

"Whatever," Pippin said.

"Now my brave hobbits," Strider said, his way of speaking changed, "I will not say do not weep, for not all tears are an evil."

"Eh?" Frodo said, completely sure that Strider was crazy.

"Wait a minute," Sam said, "that was Gandalf's line! Who do you think you are, anyway?"

Strider looked at them all, and then said, "I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, the lost king of Gondor. I am sorry for acting like I did. I wanted to see how you would react to my behavior before I could trust you."

"We are no spies," Frodo said, relieved that Aragorn was a friend.

"Don't you steal my lines, you horrible hobbit!" Aragorn yelled.

"Whatever," Frodo shrugged.

"No, it's not whatever, stop taking my lines, or I'll send you to back to the Black Riders!" Aragorn was fuming now.

"All right, all right, I'll stop, don't get all sensitive about it," Frodo said.

"Okee dokee, ponderosee," Aragorn agreed.

"Ponder what?" Merry asked.

"Never mind," Aragorn said, rolling his eyes in annoyance.

REVIEW, REVIEW I DOTH COMMAND YOU! uh, Ahem.  



	3. The Spanish of the Ringwraiths & Arwen

Ok, here's the next chappie!

To StringynKel and Jousting Elf with a Sabre : You guys are AWESOME! I NOW DOTH COMMAND THIS CHAPTER TO BE JUST FOR YOU TWO! Thanks so much!

Chapter 3: The Spanish of the Ringwraiths and Arwen (Dedicated to the two reviewers listed above)

One day Aragorn led them to a ruined watchtower called Weathertop. It was about two stories tall, with no roof and broken down walls. They stayed there while it was growing dark, and at nightfall, Aragorn gave them swords.

"You might need these," he said, handing them out to the hobbits.

"Why?" Pippin asked, taking his out of its sheath.

"For a good reason," Aragorn replied. "I'm going to have a look around," he said, getting up and walking away.

"A look around what?" Sam muttered, "This stupid tower has nothing interesting about it." he pulled out a frying pan and took out some bacon and tomatoes.

"Yuck," Frodo said, feeling the squished and rotten tomatoes, then throwing one of them away.

"Hey," Merry said, "I like tomatoes."

"Too bad for you pal," Pippin said, starting a fire. It had grown dark and windy, so he had a little trouble starting it.

"Need any help?" Merry asked, after Pippin had not started anything for about three minutes.

"No, I don't need any of your help, Merry," said Pippin, furiously scratching at his tinder box.

"But-"

"Do not blame him for not getting the fire started, Merry," Frodo said, "Pippin needs to finish this task alone."

"That was Gandalf's line!" Sam said. "You're a line thief!"

"Whatever," answered Frodo.

"Anyways, it's nighttime already," Merry said, "you can't take forever!"

"That comes later, stupid!" Pippin yelled, scratching the box with such force, that a huge flame burst out.

"Yipes!" the hobbit shouted, jumping away.

"Well, at least it started," Pippin said, laughing nervously.

"Hey, listen!" Sam said, "I think I hear the Black Riders!"

"But we're still six days from Rivendell," Merry cried, "he'll never make it!"

"We have time," Pippin said, "every day Frodo moves closer to Mordor."

"I said, stop stealing my lines!" the hobbits heard from below. Sam glared at Merry. "Yeah, don't take my lines."

"Why are you talking about me as if I'm not even here?" Frodo asked, quite bewildered, "I haven't even gotten stabbed yet!" Then he gasped a girly gasp, and being Frodo, he fell down, his sword dropping to the ground. "I can't do this, Sam," he said.

"That _also_ comes later!" Sam shrieked, "But quick, by river, we might have a chance of outrunning the enemy to the Fords of Rauros."

"That is Celeborn's line!" yelled Frodo.

"Who?" asked Pippin.

"Oh, never mind, he only has a couple of lines in the movie anyway," Frodo said. Just then they heard the screams of the dark and devious devildoers (it would be evildoers, but that wouldn't sound right). The Hobbs quickly darted up to the top of the Titanic Tower. Ooops, wrong movie. Actually, wrong TV show. Anyway, as they looked around for the Black fellows, Frodo, looking very cute, saw them approach out of the darkness.

"EEEKKKKK!" he screamed, dropping his sword again.

"It's all right, Mr. Frodo," Sam said, "It's only the Black RRIIDDEERRS!" he hollered, "RRRUUUNNNN FOR YOUR LIVES!" All the hobbits tried to run, but they all bumped into each other.

"We'll just have to face the coming darkness, my friends!" Merry shouted above all the commotion. Everyone smarted up immediately. Sam stood in the very front as the wraiths approached, while Merry and Pippin stood in front of Frodo, who was repeating, "I don't have a ring, I don't have ring, I don't have a ring." Pretty pathetic, if you ask me.

Sam took out his frying pan and yelled, "You cannot pass, I am a servant of the Secret Fire, Wielder of the Flame of Arnor. The Dark flame will not avail you, Wraiths of Udun! Go back to the shadow of Minas Morgul. You shall not pass!" The four wraiths looked befuddled. "Wasssn't the Wizzzard sssupposssed to ssay that, Angmar?" said one of the wraiths. "Yessss, Precioussss," the king hissed, "But thisss tricksssy, ssneaky little hobbit sstole hisss line, not to mention my Precioussss," he copied Gollum.

"You stole Stinker's line, Angge-marre," Sam said, "so don't go tellin' me what not to say." He then gave a yell and started to hit the Darkened Devils with his frying pan. "EEekkk!" they all screeched, backing away from him.  
"I've got a frying pan, and I'm not afraid to use it!" Sam yelled, waving his pan in utter rage.

"Don't be ssssoo ssenssitive, SShireling, we haven't even done anything yet," said one of the wraiths.

"No es matters," Sam retorted, brandishing his sword.

"What in sssam hill issss the Hobbitsss sssaying?" asked one of the riders.

"Don't asssk me," replied another.

"It's Spanish, ya numbskull!" Sam shouted.

"Sssspanissshh?" Angmar asked.

"Yeah, you know, parlez vous Francais?" Sam said.

"Uh, Sam, that's French. Spain isn't even in this world, anyway, so you'll never use it," Frodo said, being sensible.

"You never know," Sam replied.

"Ssssstuppid Hobbitsss, that comessss later in the movie," Angmar shrieked, coming closer.

"Oh, that's nice," Frodo said, "you just had to get them mad, didn't you? And I was so close to not being stabbed. Oh well, I'll just have to take it like a man. Aaaaaa!" He yelled, backing away from the wraiths. Sam had gotten pushed to the side, and Merry and Pippin were thrown aside to leave Frodo unguarded on the ground. As the wraiths got closer, Frodo got very tense. Suddenly, a thought hit him. "Ouch!" Well, not literally hit him. Anyway, he thought that if he tried speaking in the tongues of Mordor then they would let him go.

"Um, habla Espanol?" he tried. The wraiths stopped.

"Ssssheessshh," one wraith said, "Este Hobbit es extrano."

Frodo thought there might be some chance to win them over, but then Angmar dicho. "Si, mi amigo, el es extrano, pero el es tambien un line-stealer." This is what that meant for all you people who don't know Spanish.  
Angmar spoke. "Yes, my friend, he is strange, but he is also a line-stealer."

"Whaddya mean, line-stealer? I haven't stole one line in a long time; you're outta your mind, Blackbeard," Frodo squawked.

"Now there you're wrong, Mr. Frodo," Sam said, "Mr. Angmar's right. You stole Took's line just a few minutes ago."

"He did? I didn't hear nothin," Pippin answered.

"I didn't hear _anything_," Frodo again corrected.

"Shaddup," Pippin barked, who was now very confused.

"The point is," Sam said, "We have to get out of here, these guys are gettin' pretty mad." And he was right. The wraiths suddenly stormed upon poor Frodo, trapping him against an old wall. Frodo took out the Ring and put it on. He saw instead of black wraiths not so scary looking white kings with swords.

"Wow," he said, "Am I in some sort of after-life?" The wraiths looked at each other, and then Angmar slowly reached out for the Ring.

"Oh, no you don't!" Frodo yelled, pulling the Ring to safety. "This is mine, my own Ring, and none of you, um, person thingies can have it. Es mi ring." The wraith king stabbed him for an answer, and Frodo screamed a girly scream.

"Don't take it personally!" he squeaked, gasping for breath, "It's just I have to destroy it for both our sakes." He took the ring off with some difficulty. When it was off, he heard Strider battling with the wraiths, and Sam shouting in his face, "It's all right, Mr. Frodo, everyone makes mistakes." Frodo was puzzled.

"What mistake did I make?" he asked, barely being able to talk.

"You were supposed to say what you said a minute ago in the last movie," Sam replied.

"The LAST MOVIE?" Frodo shrieked at the top of his lungs, suddenly able to speak, "I JUST GOT STABBED WITH A MORGUL BLADE BY SOME FREAKO WHACKJOBS, AND YOU'RE TELLING ME I SAID SOMETHING I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO SAY? SOME PAL YOU ARE, SAMNOT-SO-WISE GAMGEE! FREEZE A LOU!"

"Um, actually, it's geeze a lou," Sam said. Frodo fainted with anger and frustration.

Strider, who had set fire to the wraiths, now turned to Frodo. "He's been stabbed with a Morgul blade," he said, picking up the sword. It turned to ashes in his hands, and with a disgusted look, he dropped it. "Yuck, that's the last time I ever touch one of those swords, it got my beautiful hands all dirty," he complained. "Oh my baby!" he screeched, looking at his ring, "My baby Barahir! It's all covered in icky ash! Oh, what do I do?"

The Hobbs looked in disgust at each other, and then Sam said, "My friend is dying here, do ya think you could get him to safety?"

"Well..." Aragorn said, deciding whether he should wash his hands.

"Ahora, you slime ball!" Sam spat out.

"Huh? What does 'ahora' mean?" Aragorn asked.

"It means 'now', you perverted person!" Sam yelled.

"Okay, okay, I'm coming," Aragorn whimpered. He picked Frodo up, who was looking pretty bleak, and took him off the tower and into the forest where the stone trolls were.

"Gentlemen, we do not stop till nightfall," Aragorn said, running through the forest.

"Um, well... it is nightfall, Strider," Pippin said.

"Oh yeah," Aragorn answered. "Never mind."

Frodo woke up to see a troll pointing at him. He gave a disapproving frown, and said, "Didn't your mother teach you any manners? You're not supposed to point at people, you know." The troll never moved. "No pointing at people, you stupid, overweight pumpkin-head!" Frodo shrieked, trying to slap the troll's hand away. Sam appeared. "Uh, Mr. Frodo, that's just one of Mr. Bilbo's trolls. It's stone." Frodo became white with anger and went cold. Sam felt his forehead.

"He's growing a fever!" Sam said to Aragorn. "We need some antibiotics, quickly!"

Aragorn stared at him. "Um, Sam, there are no antibiotics in this story! Only kingsfoil! Go and fetch some, now, before your precious little Frodo shrivels away into dust! Mwah, hah, hah, hah!" Aragorn cackled. The Hobbits stared at him in pure terror. "Oops, um, sorry, I just got carried away with all those Scooby-doo movies. Forgive me, I was wrong to despair."

"There is nothing to forgive, Legolas," Merry said.

"Those are _not your_ lines, you bumheads!" Sam screamed at the top of his lungs.

"Uh, yeah, like, whatever," Pippin shrugged.

"Here I come to save the daaayyy!" Arwen called, galloping on her horse.

"Sweetie! You're here!" Aragorn squealed, grabbing her hand.

"Don't touch me," Arwen snapped, slapping his hand away.

"Heeyyy, Frodo says that," Aragorn whined, rubbing his hand.

"Oh, right. Sorry, honey," Arwen said, giving Aragorn a smooch. Aragorn gave a dreamy look at Arwen.

"Who is she?" asked Pippin.

"Search me," replied Sam.

"Hey, you're supposed to know she's an Elf. You never say the right lines, Sam. What ever shall we do with you?" said Merry.

"It's a pity the wraiths didn't kill him when they had the chance," glared Pippin, feeling his sword.

"I heard it from his own mouth," Sam yelled, "He means to murder us!"

"Never, Pippin wouldn't hurt a fly!" screamed Pippin, "He's a horrid, fat hobbit who hates Pippin and who makes up nasty lies!"

"All three of you, SHUDDUP, NOW!" Arwen hollered, putting Frodo on her horse and climbing onto it. "Noro lim, Asfasloth, noro lim!" Arwen cried. The horse never moved. "Get on now!" she said, digging her heels into the horse's flanks. "Move it, you maggot of a horse!" she yelled. Nothing happened. "Is there some kind of emergency brake on this thing that I need to lift?" she asked, looking around her.

"Um, Arwen, you called him Asfa_sloth_. I don't think any horse likes to be called a sloth," Aragorn said.

"Oh, yeah, right. Noro lim, Asfaloth, noro lim!" Arwen said. The horse immediately took off at a speed of 180 M.P.H. "Yipers!" Arwen cried, trying to pull the horse back. "This isn't the Kentucky Derby, you know!" But the horse kept going. "What in the heck is the sudden rush?" Arwen asked the next day, still going fast. "Is it you want to prove that you are better than any of the mareas, or is it those Black Riders on really fast horses?" Arwen froze. Well, not really froze, her heart just stopped beating. She looked around her and saw all of the wraiths coming after her. "Creeps!" Arwen shouted, feeling very frightened. "Can't you go any faster, Lothi?" The horse sped up to a nice smooth pace of about 200 miles per hour. "Wheeeee!" Arwen said, dodging wraiths. She then was lashed with a branch that made her bleed. "You stupid horse, this will take days to get rid of! And I have to look my best for my date, Aragorn, who will be arriving shortly!" She gave a big pout, still riding away from the wraiths, which were coming closer. The Witch-king put out his hand to grab Frodo in his clunky armor. Arwen looked behind her and saw him reach for Frodo. "Noooooooooo!" She shouted, making the horse go even faster.

"Sssshoot!" the king said, trying to match the speed of the other horse. "I almosst had him."

"Nevver!" Arwen cried, going into the river and wading to the other side, leaving the wraiths on the opposite bank. "Tee, hee, hee," she giggled with a smug look on her face. "Let's see you guys do _that_." One of the wraiths looked at his captain. "You're not going to let a _girl_ beat us, are you?" he said. Angmar just sat on his horse in silence. Arwen drew out her sword.

"This is my sword, Rhindon, and with it I killed the wolf," she said.

"High queen Arwen, it is good to make your acquaintance again," said a wraith.

"You fools!" Angmar shrieked, drawing his sword, "That's not Rhindon, that's Hadhafang, and we are not in Narnia!"

"Oh, right," Arwen replied, feeling rather foolish. "Never mind."

The wraiths started to wade to the other side of the river. Arwen said some Elvis words, and the wraiths were all drowned. "Oh, yeah, baby, I'm all shook up!" Arwen sang. "Wait, that's Elvis. It should be Elvis_h_. Oh well, time to go to Rivendell, Frodo!" she said. Frodo just moaned. "Now, whatever is the matter with you, Frodo?" she asked, laying him down on the ground.

"My pinkie toe hurts," he whined.

"Wait a minute; you're not supposed to be able to talk! Liar, liar!" Arwen accused. But in any case, she got him to her father, who healed his wound and his toe.

I Shall Once Again Commande You All To Review!  



	4. Rivendell & the Ringwraiths, EEKK!

Heree's the next chappie, people! I ONCE AGAIN COMMANDE YE TO READ AND REVIEW!

To: Jousting Elf with a Sabre : Hope you had a good time with those cookies! And thank you SOOO much for your AWESOME reviews!

Authoresshiding : Thanks for your review,I'm glad you liked the 'Prince Caspian' part. I decided to make Aragorn the idiot instead of Legolas. I'm sorry that you feel annoyed, i just wanted to try something different.

Blackladder35 : Um, thanks... I guess. If you don't like the story then you don't have to keep reading it.

Chapter 4: Rivendell and the Ringwraith, Eeek!

"But to have come so far, still bearing the Ring, the Hobbit has shown extraordinary resilience to its stub," Elrond said, talking to Gandalf about Frodo's toe.

"It is a burden he should never have had to bear," protested Gandalf, "We can ask no more of Frodo."

"And why not?" Elrond replied. "Who else should lay out money but her own Uncle?"

"What in the heck are you talking about?" Gandalf yelled.

"Sorry," Elrond answered, "I just love Pride and Prejudice."

"Focus, Elrond, focus!" Gandalf said, "For God's sake, let's hear no more of his partners, would he have sprained his ankle in the first dance. Oh, I just love a good romance," he sighed, wiping a tear with his grey hankie.

"Me, too," sobbed Elrond, leaning on Gandalf, who put his arm around Elrond. They both cried together until Arwen came walking by. She stopped and stared at them. They both stopped crying and looked at her. She gave a freaked-out look, and then said, "Whoa." She then slowly sauntered past, and the two old geezers glanced at each other.

"And now back to business," Elrond said, "You will be delighted to hear that we are on schedule. Two hundred thousand units are ready, with a million more well on the way."

"That's... good news," replied Gandalf.

Arwen came by again and said, "Ada, maybe you should stop obsessing about Star Wars."

"Thank you for your concern, Daughter," Elrond replied, "But I think I can take care of myself."

Arwen did not look so sure. "Yeah, right. Really." She walked past with a disgusted look on her face. She was now sure about staying with Aragorn. Who needs overprotective and insane fathers who obsess about "Star Wars"? Sheesh.

"Anyway," continued Elrond, "that bum Aragorn is here, and he wants to marry my daughter. Who would think of such a thing?"

"Search me," Gandalf replied, "but he is the rightful king of Gondor, and he is entitled to it. Maybe you should let him go off and fight Sauron for you, then that saves you the trouble. Then he can become king, sit on his throne, and wish he had Arwen." The two burst into evil laughter.

"We can run her off to the Grey Havens before the coronation," Elrond chuckled.

"And he'll never figure it out," cackled Gandalf. Aragorn, who had heard the entire thing, now strode in sight of them, and was very exasperated.

"You morons!" he yelled, "That isn't in the book or the movie, and that plan won't work, anyway."

Elrond and Gandalf looked nervous. "Well, we were talking about you getting that nice sword of yours put back together," Elrond lied.

"For that is why you have come, is it not?" Gandalf asked, "My old friend."

"Saruman said that, and you're not my friend, Miffrandeer," Aragorn answered, turning his back and walking off.

"It's MITHRANDIR!" Gandalf shouted.

"Will he ever change?" Elrond asked.

"Oh no," Gandalf said, getting all teary-eyed again, "It is an ever fixed mark that looks on tempests. Oh Willoughby!" Elrond and Gandalf started to cry again.

Meanwhile, the hobbits were reunited, and Frodo talked with Bilbo.

"It's wonderful to see you, Bilbo!" Frodo shouted, trying to jump into Bilbo's arms.

"Ugg," groaned Bilbo, "I'm old, Frodo my lad, and you said the wrong line which you supposed to say in the beginning of the movie. What do they teach them at these schools?"

"Drinking songs and how to deal with foreign rings of power," Frodo answered, showing his ring to Bilbo.

Bilbo suddenly tackled Frodo to the ground and tried to grab the Ring from him. "You thief!" he shouted reaching for the Ring, "It could have been mine, it should have been mine! Give it to me!"

"Noooo!" yelled Frodo, putting the Ring on.

Gandalf shouted, "Never put it on, for the agents of the Dark Lord will be drawn to its power, you stupid hobbit! You never listen!"

"I do too listen!" Frodo snapped, pulling it off and running away from Bilbo.

The other Hobbits watched Frodo being chased by Bilbo.

"Ahh," sighed Merry, "I just love family reunions. Everyone always is so emotional." Sam slapped him on the head. "Now wait just a minute," Sam said, "don't make fun, I was being serious."

"So was I," retorted Merry, giving Sam a shove, pushing him to the ground.

Sam jumped up, drawing his sword. A fight started, and they had to be pulled apart.

"You jerk!" Merry said, "You're supposed to say that later! But no, you had to go and say it now, didn't you! Fat hobbit is always so polite It does not care if we be hungry, it does not care if we should die!"

"Oh, I'm the one who's wrong?" Sam yelled, "Well, you're the one who had to be pushin' me to the ground, and then stealing that little rat's lines! Not that I don't care if you steal _his_ lines, but still!"

"You stupid idiot!" shrieked Merry.

"Nincompoop!" returned Sam.

"Double moron!" shouted Merry.

Sam broke free from Pippin's hold, and drew his sword. "You fool," he hissed at Merry, "No man can kill me. Die now!" he shrieked, pouncing on Merry.

"All right, all right," Pippin interfered, trying to stop the conflict. "Let's not get too wound up. We still have a council to go to."

Sam and Merry both looked at each other and consented to stop. Pippin was very proud of himself. "I knew you needed people of intelligence on this sort of mission...quest...thing," he said, puffing out his chest, which Merry poked.

Just then, they all heard the shriek of the Nazgul. They saw a Black Rider on a fell beast.

"Wraiths on wings!" Sam shouted, "Would ya look at the size of that thing!"

"Nazgul!" Gandalf shouted, running for his staff.

"Don't bother, Grey Fool," the wraith said, "I only came to tell the fat hobbit that he'sss in big trouble with Angmar for sssaying his line."

"I am not fat!" Sam retorted. "I think I'm a size 37."

"Well, I am a sssize zero," the wraith replied.

"What diet do you use?" Sam asked, "The South Beach or Weight Watchers?"

"I prefer the Atkins diet," said the wraith, "Because I get to have Sssubway sssandwiches."

"Yum," Sam replied.

"Hold it!" Elrond shouted, "There are no diets or Subway in this movie, and the Nazgul isn't supposed to be here."

"Riiiight," the Nazgul said. "Sssee ya!" And he swooped off.

Gandalf came back with his staff, ready to face the Nazgul.

"Where is it?" he asked, quite out of breath, "Where is the Nazgul on the fell beast?"

"He's gone," sighed Merry, quite relieved.

"Um, Merry," Pippin pointed out, "You were supposed to say that when we were being chased by an orc into Fangorn Forest in the next movie. Now why would you say it now?"

Merry slowly turned toward Pippin with an evil look on his face. "Maybe it's because I FELT like it, you stupid fool of a Took!"

"You Buckhead!" snarled Gandalf, "That was my line, and I said it to this clueless piece of shortbread in Moria! You take one more step, mister, and it'll be the farthest away from home you've ever been!"

Merry and Pippin were very befuddled. Sam, however, was furious at Gandalf for taking his line.

"You old geezer!" Sam shrieked, turning his fists into balls.

"I like shortbread," Pippin said, wondering if he was going to be able to have some.

I ONCE AGAIN DOTH COMMANDE YE TO REVIEW! THANK YE!  



	5. Boromir and the Sneaks, Uh oh!

Allll rightie, since all of you have been so WONDERFUL! I shall now put up this next chapter. I Once Again Commande Ye To Review!

StringynKel : I'm SO glad that you are enjoying this story! Thank you so much for all your wonderful reviews!

Authoresshiding : Thanks for reviewing, I hoped someone would get the stuff about Jane Austen's novels! There were a couple of Star Wars quotes in there too...

Disclaimer: Fine, I don't own LOTR, OK? Satisfied?

Chapter 5: Boromir and the Sneaks, Uh-oh!

That night Aragorn was reading a book on how to thwart the plans developed by mean wizards and evil Elvish Lords who just _happened_ to rule Rivendell, when Boromir came walking by, whistling a tune.

"Through shadow," Boromir sang, not seeing Aragorn, "to the edge of night, until the stars are all alight... Mist and shad-"

"Would you please shut up?" Aragorn asked, very annoyed at being disturbed. "I'm trying to read my book, and anyway, Pippin is supposed to sing that in the last movie in Denethor's palace. He is such a creep. I'm sure glad to be bootin' him outta office." He chuckled evilly.

Boromir was livid. "That creep is my father, and how could you boot him out of office? Who are you?"

"I am a friend, well, not exactly a friend, not really a friend, actually, not a friend at all, we're enemies, to Gandalf the Grey," answered Aragorn. "You know him?"

"As much as I ever wish to," Boromir said. Suddenly Gandalf and Elrond came running up to Boromir.

"Do you like Pride and Prejudice, too?" they both asked. Boromir was very puzzled. "What?" he said.

"Don't bother, fellas," Aragorn said, "He didn't know that he was copying the movie. Leave him alone."

"You thief, you filthy little thief!" shrieked Sam, bounding up, "You stole it, you stole it from us! Curse them!" he tackled Aragorn.

"EEekkk!" cried Aragorn, trying to get Sam off him. "Where's Jim Dandy when you need him?"

"Who?" asked a puzzled Boromir.

"You know," said Aragorn, finally throwing Sam off himself, "'Jim Dandy to the Rescue'? That thing in Friendly's?"

"Ooohh, I love Friendly's!" shouted Sam. "Especially their chicken tender baskets. Yum!"

"Yum nothing!" replied Boromir, "I prefer their double bacon cheese burger with extra bacon."

"You IDIOTS!" shrieked Elrond, "Friendly's part in this tale is over! You two go back to your homes!"

"STUPID, SLEEZY SIMPLETON!" Merry yelled, running up to Elrond with his fists balled. "THAT WAS TREEBEARD'S LINE!"

"Yeah, yeah, who cares; you over react, Mr. Hobbit," Elrond said, obviously not shaken by the name-calling. He then left with Gandalf, turning up his nose at Aragorn, who thought, "Sheesh, Elrond is one eccentric Elf. Hey, Eccentric Elrond the Elf! That's pretty good, if I do say so myself."

Elrond poked his head in the room and screeched, "I heard that, you bonehead! I have telepathy, you know! Don't ever let me catch you thinking like that again!"

"Yes, they catch you, they catch you!" screamed Sam, waving his arms around in the air.

"CALM down, dude," said Merry, "It's not like nobody stole anybody's lines."

"_ANYBODY!_" shrieked Frodo, popping in to the room.

"I feel cool, calm, and collected," sang Boromir.

"Gimme a break, Boree," said Aragorn, "And yes, you mischievous Merry, Sam just took Gollum's lines! I think you need a hearing aid."

"A what?" asked Boromir.

"A hearing aid," replied Aragorn.

"Can you hear with it?" asked Boromir.

"Of course you can hear with it, it's a hearing aid," said Aragorn.

"Okay, I'll buy a hearing aid," said Boromir. "Hey Sam, do you want to buy a ring?"

"A what?"

"A ring."

"Does it make you disappear?"

"Of course it makes you disappear, it's a ring."

"Okay, I'll buy a ring," said Sam. "Hey Mr. Frodo, do you want to buy a-"

"SHADDAP, YOU IDIOTS!" yelled Merry.

"Why?" asked Sam.

"Because it's NOT IN THE MOVIE!" shrieked Merry at the top of his lungs.

"Uh, yeah, um, like, whatever," said Arwen, grabbing Aragorn's hand and dragging him away.

"Lucky duck," muttered Boromir.

Arwen took Aragorn to a bridge in the valley, and they joined their hands together.

"Um, I think I only wanna be with youu!" sang Arwen.

"What?" asked Aragorn.

"Never mind, you bonehead," said Arwen, "Now, as I was saying, I want to be queen, so you go out there with that Frumbo, that little guy with the big ears? And you go on your quest, defeat Sauron, and then marry me. Sound like a good plan?"

"Who's Frumbo?" asked Aragorn.

"The hobbit, stupid!" yelled Arwen.

"Actually, Frodo doesn't have big ears, he has big eyes. I think you're getting him mixed up with Dumbo," said Aragorn.

"And I think I'm not," contradicted Arwen.

"And I think you are," said Aragorn.

"And I think I'm not," replied Arwen angrily.

"And I think you are," retorted Aragorn.

"Are you saying that you think that I'm wrong?" shouted Arwen.

"Now, honey," started Aragorn.

"Don't you 'honey' me, you nitwit, I'm not wrong!" screamed Arwen.

"Ok, ok, you're not wrong," Aragorn said.

"Good," replied Arwen, "Because you're going to need this," she handed him the Evenstar.

"You cannot give me this," refused Aragorn.

"Yes, I can," replied Arwen.

"No you can't."

"Yes I can."

"No you can't."

"Fine, then," said Arwen, taking it back, "I didn't want to give it away, anyways."

"No, wait, hold it. I want it," said Aragorn, holding out his hand.

"Well, now that it comes to it, I don't feel like parting with it, it's mine, I found it, it came to me!" yelled Arwen.

"There's no need to get angry," said Aragorn.

"Well, if I'm angry, it's your fault," snapped Arwen. "It's mine, my own, my Precious." She cradled it in her hand.

"OH, great," groaned Aragorn. "A perfect date ruined. Anyway, Arwen-baby, I'd love to chat, but I've gotta run. There's a cute Rohan chick that likes me, and I haven't got much time left. After all, I am eighty-seven years old. Oh, my poor back," he groaned, rubbing his back.

"No, wait," Arwen said, holding out the Evenstar. "You can have it, but you must promise not to marry that girl. She is only a mortal, after all."

Aragorn thought it over for a minute. "Weelll, ok," he said, "Zounds like a plan to me." He threw the jewel around his neck.

"Be careful, you moron!" Arwen shrieked.

"Oh, right, sorry," Aragorn said, nervously laughing. "I promise to be more careful with it."

"There is no promise you can make that I can trust," huffed Arwen.

"WHAT? WHAT?" screamed Aragorn.

"Nothing, my dear," said Arwen, smooching Aragorn on the lips.

"HEY, I SAW THAT!" yelled Elrond, who had been watching the entire thing. Arwen and Aragorn were very startled.

"Let's beat it," said Aragorn, pulling Arwen out of sight.

"Indeedee," replied Arwen, running off.

"Come back here RIGHT NOW, YOUNG LADY, you're going to get a time out!" cried Elrond, banging his fist on the railing. "Ouch," he said, rubbing his hand.

"I am NOT young, you atrocious father!" shouted Arwen, popping out from behind the bushes. She then whisked away again.

"Stupid daughters," Elrond mumbled, shaking his head. "If I had only been able to have sons," he said, his eyes filling up with tears.

Elladan, Elrohir, and some other sons appeared "Dude, we, like, ARE your sons!" Elladan said, frantically jumping up and down.

"QUIT acting like an energetic clown!" shouted Elrond. "Could you help me find my daughter?"

"NO, FOR GOSH SAKES!" cried Elrohir, "She can marry that bum for all I care; I'm going to bed. Anyway, who CARES if she marries him so long as she's happy? I can't talk to you anymore. Adios, mi padre." He bowed and left with the other sons.

As they were leaving, Sam came up to them and started drilling them on their Spanish. Frodo grabbed Sam away and dragged him off to bed, and finally saved the poor Elves from torture.

"Hey," protested Sam, "They said 'tampoco' wrong. I have to go correct their fiendish mistake." He tried to run back to the Elves, but Frodo yanked him back to their room.

"Do you want to make a bad impression with the Elves the first day that we're here? I would rather not be killed, thank you," Frodo said. Sam finally agreed to not bother the Elves, and they both went to bed.

Well, WELL, what d'ya think, mates? Is it a befittin' chappie for ya?  



	6. The Council of Poor Elrond NOT!

OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY PEOPLE! Here's the next chappie! Read, enjoy, do whatever... I don't care... BUT MAKE SURE TO REVIEW! Thank you and goodnight.

Authoresshiding: Eh, that's ok if you're not into Star Wars. As for wondering how far I'm going to go with the line mix-ups, well... let's just say you might like THIS chapter! Mwa ha ha ha!

Chapter 6: The Council of poor Elrond. Not!

The next morning, Elrond held a council, the council was Elrond's, and it was called the council of Elrond. I think you get the point. Anyways, lots of dudes were there, and Aragorn was refreshed and had his only good outfit on.

Before the council started, Boromir passed Aragorn and looked at him. "Well, finally, you're in a suitable outfit for a change," he huffed, sinking back into his chair.

"You're not looking to bad yourself," replied Aragorn, "and when I'm king, I'll make sure that I, Aragorn, son of Arathorn, wear only the finest of outfits." He brushed himself off, and glanced haughtily at Boromir.

"Sheesh, it's not like we already know that you are Arathorn's son," Gimli said, coming into the room.

"Don't you talk to him that way, Dwarf!" Legolas shouted, "He is Arabum, son of Araglum. You owe him your allegiance." He looked very proud of himself and smoothed out his hair.

"Fool of an Elf!" yelled Aragorn, "My name is not Arabum!"

"Wicked Men!" shrieked Gandalf, running into the council, "Servants of Sauron, You stole MY line!"

Boromir giggled, much to the annoyance of Aragorn. "I don't know, that name seems to fit you perfectly, Arabum."

Aragorn was furious, and drew his sword. "I will feast on your flesh," he hissed, drawing nearer to Boromir.

Frodo bounded up to Gandalf and started punching him. "What do you know about destroying a ring? NOTHING, and you stole my baby Sméagol's line! How dare you, old fool!"

"Egads!" yelled Gandalf, "Get this shrimp off of me!"

"Never," Aragorn yelled, "You called me a Servant of Sauron! Who are you to call me a name; you owe me your allegiance!"

"I bow to no one, least of all to a whiny pouty puss!" screamed Gandalf.

"Everyone, follow me into Mordor!" called Frodo above all the commotion.

All the guys stared at him.

"Though, I do not know the way," he finished. Everyone sighed in relief, for they thought that they would actually be going along with the movie for once. But their thoughts were blackened when Frodo continued, "Though, I do not know the way to the nearest Dunkin' Donuts, and I want the new cinnamon stick!" he bawled, dropping to the ground.

"Oh BROTHER!" shrieked Gandalf, "Here, I have one from earlier." He thrust it into Frodo's hand, and Frodo stopped crying.

"But you have to share it!" Cried Boromir, "I'm still hungry."

"But you had lembas bread!" said Legolas, "Which should be enough for you, since you had three of them!"

"How many did you eat?" Boromir asked Aragorn.

"Four," the latter replied proudly, straightening out his outfit and looking very snooty.

"I'm starving!" yelled Boromir. "I ain't had nothin' but maggoty bread for three stinkin' days!" He then saw the cinnamon stick, and a wild gleam came into his eye. "What 'bout that?" he said, "That's fresh!"

"That is not for eating!" yelled Gandalf.

"Why not?" cried Boromir. Then he tried the nice-nice approach. "What I mean, Frodo, is that I will help you bear that burden as long as it is yours to bear." He stood next to Frodo.

"OH, no you don't," cried Gandalf, "you don't steal a wizard's line and get away with it!" He started to beat Boromir with his staff.

"AhHOUCH!" yelled Boromir, covering his head.

Frodo had already finished most of his snack, and Aragorn said, "Hey, there will be none left for the return journey!"

"I don't think there will be a return journey, Aragorn," Frodo said sadly, slowly munching the last of the stick.

Pippin came in with Merry and said to Gandalf, "Let him go, or I'll have you, Longshanks!" he balled his fists, and jumped on Gandalf, who had poor Boromir in a headlock.

"EVERYONE, STOP STEALING MY LINES FOR THE LAST TIME!" Sam shrieked at the top of his lungs.

All the men stopped what they were doing and looked at him.

"Now, I want you all to apologize to each other," Sam continued, "Especially Gandalf."

"Confound it all, Samwise Gamgee, have you been eavesdropping?" Gandalf shouted.

"Certainly NOT," replied Sam, "But you should have said that earlier. NOW, are you going to apologize to poor Boromir?"

"Gandalf," Pippin sobbed, "Forgive me." He tried to hug him, and Gandalf looked a little embarrassed.

"Ah, all's well that end's well," Gandalf said nervously, patting Pippin.

"Hey, what about me?" Boromir asked, "Where is MY apology, Miffrandeer?"

"It's MITHRANDIR, you NUMBSKULL!" Gandalf yelled; "And for that, you'll get NO apology WHATSOEVER!"

"Wahhhhh," cried Boromir, "Aragorn, he's being mean to me again."

"QUIT being rotten to Boromir!" Aragorn shouted, "You're all dead, all rotten."

"Oh, AM I?" yelled Gandalf, "We'll just see about that!"

Elrond entered the room. "EVERYONE, _SHADDAP_!"

They all skittered back to their places, and Legolas said smugly, "Lord Elrond, I have been very good, and these _pathetic_ humans have most unkind and disagreeable. I will take the Ring to Mordor."

Frodo ran up to Legolas and dumped it in his hands. "Here, take it," he said. Legolas looked very nervous and uncomfortable. "UM, never mind, I was only joking. No, Frodo," he said, giving back to Frodo.

"Take it!" Frodo yelled.

"No!" shouted Legolas.

"You must take it!"

"You cannot offer me this ring!"

"I'm giving it to you!"

"DON'T tempt me further!" screamed Legolas.

Frodo recoiled. "You were right, Gimli," he said sadly, "You tried to tell me, but, I'm sorry. Never trust an Elf, and I shall hold true to that." He put the ring back in his pocket.

"You told Frodo WHAT?" shrieked Legolas.

"N-nothin important," stuttered Gimli.

"GRRRR," growled Legolas.

"Am I hearing wrong, or was that conversation supposed to me with me?" asked Sam, annoyed.

Elrond motioned for everyone to be quiet, and they all settled down. But before he could speak, Boromir stood up.

"I think I should take it to Mordor, because I am strong, and I come from the prettiest city, of which one day I will be steward of! Have you ever seen it, lord Elrond? The white tower of Ecthelion, glistening like a streak of pearl in the sunrise, its banners caught high in the morning breeze. Have you ever been called home by the clear ringing of the trumpets?" He seemed to be in another world, obviously spacing out, so Gandalf decided to bring him back. He yelled, "Boromir!"

Boromir recoiled and went back to his chair, and Frodo was very freaked out.

Elrond said, "I have seen the white city; is there anyone else who has? Let's see who has and who hasn't, and the ones who _have_ can all stay here and not go on the quest, except for the ones who live there or-" he cast a sneaky glance at Aragorn, "OR, are going to live there. The ones who _haven't_, well, to bad for you, but you're going on the quest whether ya like or not. Come on now, so we can get this thing over with, and so I can watch Star Wars again. I want to see Luke Skywalker use the Force. Raise your hands if you have!"

Aragorn raised his hand, and so did Boromir, Gandalf, and a few other guys.

"_I_ have seen the white city!" Aragorn shouted proudly.

"As have I!" yelled Gandalf, "and since I do not live there, or am going to live there, I shall not have to go on the quest." He threw a smug look on Aragorn, who looked like he wanted to kill him.

"Nevertheless," said Elrond, "You are the only good wizard left, and if you don't go, who will be there to call Pippin a fool of a Took, or Boromir a big know-it-all, or Aragorn a pouty-puss, or Frodo a girly-girl, or-"

"OKAY, Elrond, we GET the point!" shouted Aragorn.

Legolas was whining and fussing with his hair. "Why should I have to go on the stupid quest, anyway? I am the son of an elf king, and I am too delicate for such things." He looked at a hangnail and started to sob when he saw it.

"Eh, you'll need some toughening up, girly-boy," said Elrond.

"I am not a girly-boy!" shouted Legolas, drawing out his knives.

"I will be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an elf!" yelled Gimli, jumping up from his seat.

"Whoa, that was, like, totally outta the blue," said Aragorn. "Anyway, Frods, since you've decided to take the Ring to Mordor an' stuff, I guess I better wish you luck. Have fun, pal!"

"Oh no you don't," said Elrond, "You need some more experience with Sauron if you wanna marry my daughter, so you're going with Frodo, too."

"Aww, do I have to?" whined Aragorn.

Elrond gave him a stabbing knife glare, and never took his eyes off him as he skittered over to Frodo.

"All rightee, who'll be the next to sign up?" Elrond asked.

Silence filled the council and made it hard for anyone to say anything, because there was silence, and nobody spoke for a while, so everyone was silent, and...oh, forget it. Aragorn was glaring both at Elrond and Boromir, who was looking scared.

"No volunteers?" asked Elrond, "Fine, have it your own way- Major Boromir, you'll be going, Major Legolas, or should I make it Miss America Legolas? Major Gimli, you too, and also Cadet Sam, Cadet Pippin, Cadet Merry, and Sergeant Gandalf the Grey. Ok, did I get everyone?"

Frodo waved his hand, and Elrond called on him. "Um, I don't think you mentioned my name, Lord Elrond."

"That's Admiral Elrond to you," snapped Elrond, "but you're the one who's carrying the stupid Ring, anyway, right? Now then, you leave first thing tomorrow morning, at five o'clock sharp. And I don't want any stragglers; I have a city to run, and no tricks, either, understand? Good, now pack your things and get outta here." He waved them away, and took out his newspaper, not noticing that the three other hobbits were not there, and that the six other people were still standing there.

"Hmm, the Dow Jones is down," Elrond mumbled, fumbling with the paper. Then he looked up and saw them.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" barked Elrond, "Get to work!"

"But we don't know where Sam, Merry, and Pippin are," protested Frodo.

"Oh," said Elrond. "CADETS, GET YOUR BUMS OVER HERE RIGHT NOW, OR YOU WILL BE EXPELLED FROM THE JEDI ORDER!"

"What?" said Boromir.

"Nothing," replied Elrond cheekily, blushing profusely.

Just then, they all heard a yell from the bushes. Sam popped out and said, "We're goin' on strike until you apologize for takin' my line and for not giving Bill a rank."

"Fine," sighed Elrond, "I'm sorry for taking your line and I give Bill the rank of- now wait just a minute, WHO IN THE HECK IS BILL, AND WHY AM I DOING WHAT YOU SAY?"

"Search me," replied Sam, "But Bill is my pony, beggin' your pardon, sir."

"I don't," replied Elrond grimly. "You have disobeyed, Cadet, and because of that you'll have to be Frodo's servant."

"Darn," said Sam sullenly, walking up to Frodo. "Hey," he said, glancing at him. Elrond carefully observed Sam for a few minutes.

"Why are you staring at me?" asked Sam.

Elrond motioned him over to his chair. Sam cast Frodo a frightened look and slowly shuffled over to Elrond.

Elrond got right in Sam's face. "Sam, since there are no people in this mission who are serious, I want you to be in charge of this Fellowship. And therefore," he said, raising his voice, "I promote you, Samwise Gamgee, to the honored rank of commander. You are now in charge of this mission. Go now and deal with them in what way seems best for you." He put his spectacles on and continued to flip through the paper.

Sam walked back to the Fellowship with a beaming face. The others, especially Gandalf, all gave him a glare that would freeze the pants off a patrol policeman. Sam ignored their scary stares and went off to go pack.

We-ell, whatdya think? Hm? hm? I won't know unless YOU tell me!  



	7. The Leave Taking and American Idol

Allllll rightie, people, I thank you EVER so much for your FABULOUS reviews! I NOW COMMANDE YE TO - I think you know the drill.

Authoresshiding : I'm sorry about making Legolas a girly type person. But if you have read some other stories, in mine he's not bad at all. Other people go over the top. But I love Orlando Bloom! Thanks for reviewin!

Jousting Elf with a Sabre : Thanks SO much for being my most loyal reviewer! I really appreciate it! Thankee for reviewin, matie! Hope you enjoy this next chapster!

Chapter 7: The Leave Taking

The next morning after Aragorn had blown Arwen off and gone crying to his dead mommy about when Arwen had punched him, and Elrond had told him that he couldn't stay in Rivendell, the Fellowship was all together in the front of Rivendell and ready to go. (Whoa, that was a run-on sentence, but who cares?)

"I do!" Frodo shrieked, clasping his hands together.

(Shaddap!)

Sam, of course, had drilled the entire company about five times, and everyone was thrilled when Elrond finally showed up.

"It's about time," grumbled Gimli.

"Thank heaven," sighed Boromir.

"All that drilling made my hair frumbly," complained Legolas, looking at his golden mirror. He tried to rush back to his room, but Elrond and a dozen Elves succeeded in tackling him and dragging him back to his spot.

"Come on now, we haven't got all day here," pointed out Sam. "Now if you don't obey me and do what I say, you won't be going there and back again, I guarantee that."

Legolas wrinkled up his nose and stuck his tongue out at Sam, who at the moment was talking to Elrond. Frodo saw this ghastly sight, and his hand shot up in the air.

"Commander Sam, Commander Sam!" he shouted, waving his hand around; "Major Legolas has just stuck his tongue out at you."

Sam turned around with a glare that would freeze your brain. He eyed Legolas warily. "You watch your back, mister," he growled. He then sauntered over to the Fellowship and stood straight and proper, awaiting his orders from Elrond.

"I think this army thing has gotten to his head," whispered Pippin to Merry, who nodded in agreement.

"The Fellowship awaits the Ringbearer," said Elrond smartly.

"Who me?" asked Frodo. "I...dum...uh..."

"Quit staring and move your feet!" yelled Aragorn.

"As you wish," shrugged Frodo; "I care not." He walked out of Rivendell and by sheer instinct turned to the right in the direction of the nearest tavern.

"You idiot," whispered Gandalf, who had popped up behind him, "Mordor is left."

"Riiiight, I knew that," answered Frodo, turning left. "But wait," he continued, "I don't want to go to Mordor with fire and ashes and thirst and pits, pits, pits, so I think I'll go right," he said.

"LEFT!" screamed Gandalf, banging his staff on Frodo's head. Frodo fell down unconscious.

"What are you going to do, then?" asked Pippin, who was snacking on a crispy Butterfinger.

"Let the Ringbearer decide," said Legolas smartly.

Everyone turned to Frodo, but he lay quiet on the ground. Gimli sighed a long, long sigh. No one paid any attention. So he sighed a longer sigh, but still no one paid him any attention. "Go figures," he muttered, spitting on his axe and wiping it with his beard.

Legolas saw him and made a face. "Ugghh, Dwarfs."

"Ugghh, Elves," returned Gimli, putting his axe back in his belt and patting it. Legolas shook his head in utter defeat. They would have stood there until Frodo woke up, if Gimli had not pointed out, "Then it has all been in vain. The Fellowship has failed." They all bowed their heads sadly.

"No, there is still hope for Frodo," said Boromir. "He needs an ambulance, and safe passage to the hospital. We can give him that."

"How?" asked Sam suspiciously.

"Draw out Sauron's armies. Empty his lands. In other words, make him run like a headless chicken," answered Boromir.

"And how would that help us?" asked Aragorn, determined not to be put down by Boromir. (Men and their egos, ya know?)

"And do headless chickens run?" said Merry.

"Mmmmm, I could go for a roasted chicken right about now," said Sam, licking his lips.

"Roasted chicken?" said Frodo, coming up from being knocked out; "Sam, my dear Sam." He smiled a very cute smile and brushed himself off. Sam rolled his eyes.

"Good people," started Boromir, holding up his hand. He then saw Aragorn glaring at him. "Aaand _not_ so good people," he continued; "Now is the hour. Riders of Rohan! Oaths you have taken! Now fulfill them all to-"

"Wait-a wait-a hold it RIGHT there, buster!" said Aragorn. "We are not Riders of Rohan, we have not taken any oaths, and YOU do NOT say that!"

"Actually, you have taken oaths!" called Elrond from behind. He was reading the morning paper and marking all the good ads.

"Oh, SHUTTUP!" yelled Aragorn. "In the movie you _said_ that we didn't take any stupid old oaths! Why don't you people do something right for a change?"

Elrond pouted and went back to reading the paper. It was just then he found an excellent sale going on at J. C. Penny's, and he thought that he should check it out. "It's all inside!" he sang. Suddenly there was a flash of lightning, and a table appeared and three people were sitting at it. They were Randy, Paula, and of course, Simon Cowell. To top it all off, Ryan Seacrest appeared wearing a black T-shirt and jeans and was holding a microphone. He ran over to Elrond and patted his back.

"So judges," he said in the microphone, "Elrond of Rivendell. What did you think?"

Randy made his famous that-was-good-sign with his hands. "Yo, man, you were Aaight, Dawg!" he shouted.

"Thank you, Randy," smiled Elrond, bowing. Ryan turned to Paula. "So, Paula, what did you think of Elrond? Will he make it to the semi-finals, or will he be voted off?"

Paula smiled. "I think you have an amazing talent, Elrond," she said, "And you picked a good song. But I feel that you need to have just a little bit more emotion. Do you know what I'm talking about?"

Elrond nodded understandingly.

"But overall I thought you were very good," she finished; "Congratulations."

"Thank you, Paula," responded Elrond.

Everyone turned to Simon, who was looking down at his papers and rubbing the back of his neck. Elrond looked expectantly at him for an answer. The final and critical judge looked up. "To be honest with you, Elrond," he said, "I thought that was horrendous. Absolutely horrendous. You were pitchy and off key, and you sounded like you were in an awful nightclub in Tennessee. I, I, I just don't know what to think at this stage in the competition. There are much better singers, and you just don't cut it. Sorry."

Elrond looked down to his toes. "All right, Simon," he said sadly.

Ryan turned to a nearby camera that had appeared. "All right, people, the number for Elrond is one-eight-six-six-idols-zero-one. That's one-eight-six-six-idols-zero-one if you want to vote for Elrond." Elrond made a one sign with his fingers.

"Just GET ON WITH IT!" cried the impatient and annoyed Hobbits. Ryan looked at them. "Thank you for watching 'American Idol', everybody. Seacrest out." The cameras turned off. Ryan and the judges stayed to chat with Elrond while the Fellowship made their way out of Rivendell and into the wild.

Well, well, WHAT did you think, hmmmm? Is it a befittin chappie, mates? Lemme know!  



	8. The Fellowship & the Geezers p 1

I had to post this chappie really quickly, so here it is!

Authoresshiding : I'm so sorry! You ARE a WONDERFUL reviewer! I take it back! You are a VERY loyal reviewer, and I thank you.

Chapter 8: The Fellowship and the Geezers part 1

The Fellowship made their way towards the Gap of Rohan, and some months later they were fast approaching it. It was a sunny day when the Fellowship was on a rocky hill, enjoying themselves. Boromir, Merry, and Pippin were sword fighting on a flat spot, and Aragorn was smoking his pipe and watching them. Sam had just finished giving Frodo some of his famous cooking lessons, and now he and Frodo were also watching the sword fight. Legolas was watching the sky, Gandalf was smoking, and...I think I got everyone. Oh wait, maybe not. Gimli was chatting to Gandalf about the Mines of Moria, and was trying to convince him that they should go there instead of the Gap of Rohan.

"We should go through the Mines of Moria!" yelled Gimli, stamping his foot and trying to appear tough.

"Why?" asked Gandalf irritably; "So I can sacrifice myself for all you maggots just to fall down in the depths of the earth with an ugly, stupid fireball? I think...NO!" he said loudly. Everyone stopped what they were doing to look at him.

"Quit staring at me!" he shouted. The rest of the Fellowship went back to what they were doing. Pippin was sword fighting with Boromir when Aragorn made an unnecessary comment.

"Yo dude, cut Boromir's leg off, Merry," he said, blowing a ring of smoke into poor Boromir's face, making him cough. Pippin looked quite annoyed.

"I am NOT Merry, Strider. My name is Pippin. Remember me, Peregrine Took? That ring a bell in your midget of a mind?" Aragorn shook his head numbly.

"Oh, for crying out loud!" cried Merry; "just ignore him, Pippin."

"Serenity now, serenity now!" Sam cried.

Pippin shrugged his shoulders and tried to slash Boromir, who succeeded in cutting his finger. Pippin shrieked and dropped his sword.

"Ooh, are you okay?" asked Boromir worriedly. Aragorn sprang up and shouted at him, "Now look what you've done, you idiot, you've hurt poor Frodo!" he ran over to Pippin and grabbed his hand. Pippin slapped his hand away and shrieked, "I am NOT FRODO! MY NAME IS PIPPIN, YOU JERK!"

Aragorn started to cry, and Boromir rolled his eyes.

"See here, _Pippin_," he said, "I took a few courses in CPR, so I think I can help you." He took out his doctor bag and taped Pippin's finger up. Merry and Pippin glared at Aragorn, who was banging his head against a rock.

"I just can't do it anymore!" he sobbed; "Oh Valar, great, great Valar! Take me away to a better place. Great Spirits, take me now!" he cried, throwing up his hands. Merry and Pippin seized this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and tackled him to the ground, tickling him.

"Hoo, hoo, hee, hee, ah, HA, ha, ha!" Aragorn snickered, "stop, stop, STOP IT!"

Boromir pulled the two Hobbs off of poor Aragorn, who was now in hysterics. But Merry and Pippin started tickling him also, and soon everyone joined in except for Gandalf, Legolas, and Sam. Legolas was glowering in disgust at them, and Gandalf completely ignored them. After about ten minutes, Sam said to the party in his James Bond voice, "All right, gentlemen, that's enough."

No one listened to him, so he whisked out his handy-dandy, whim! notebook. But he realized he had no use for writing with a green striped crayon and finding clues left by a blue cartoon dog, so he tossed that away. He dug deeper in his pocket to see what other junk he had. He finally felt something cold and metallic.

"What have I gots in my pocketses?" he wondered aloud. Gandalf and Legolas, who had been looking at himself in a mirror, stared at him. Sam clapped his hand over his mouth and prayed that Frodo did not hear him. Since Frodo did not, he pulled out a bright and shiny whistle.

"Whoo, hoo, hoo!" he cried, "I was born lucky, whatever my Gaffer might say." He put the whistle to his lips. Gandalf and Legolas covered their ears and clenched their teeth. The whistle blew so loudly that even Saruman in Isengard heard it. The men, dwarf, and Hobbits jumped to attention.

"Every Orc in Mordor's going to hear this racket!" shouted Frodo, holding his hands over his ears.

I believe, no, I think, no, I _know,_ yes,I mentioned earlier that Saruman heard the whistle. He knew that something was happenin', so he sent some of his birds to check it out.

"And if it's a band of guerillas, then high-tail back here and tell me," he said to the crows. "Get it? High? Tail? Ahh, ha, ha, ha!" he cackled, rolling on the black floor. He had the bad habit of cracking horrific puns at the wrong moment. In fact, he was so wrapped up in himself (literally, I mean his cloak was so long...sheesh) that he accidentally rolled right past the Palantir, which Sauron was looking into right at that moment and was watching this whole charade.

"I seee youu," said Sauron menacingly. Saruman stopped rolling and looked frightened. "Get it? _I _see you? Eye?" Tee, hee, hee!" Sauron giggled. Saruman got the joke and laughed with him. He laughed so hard that he continued to roll, holding his stomach. Sauron tried to do the same, but only succeeded in flipping over. The Orcs in Barad-dur wondered what in the heck was going on with Sauron. Old geezers. Sheesh.

The crows finally managed to get out of Orthanc and fly right in the direction of the Fellowship. Sam, meanwhile, had gotten everything back into order, and was now munching on some high-fat sausage and staring into space. He wondered why the stars were white and appeared so small, and if Sir Isaac Newton or Johann Kepler had ever thought the same thing. "Are there such geniuses like myself?" he thought. Frodo came over to him and inspected the greasy food. "Yuck, gross, blech, is this _all_ you brought from Rivendell, Sam?" He said. Sam slowly brought the sausage to his mouth and bit it, continuing to stare in to space.

"Uhh, Sam?" said Frodo. Nothing happened. "Sam?" Still nothing. Totally and completely nothing. Nada. Not the tiniest bit of anything whatsoever. Not a fraction of anything, not... well, I think you get the point. Frodo stood there watching Sam continue to blank out. "DARN IT ALL, SAM, WHAT IN THE HECK ARE YOU DOING!" screamed Frodo, waving his arms frantically in Sam's face. Sam was startled out of his dream world and shook his head.

"Whoo, haa, what?" he said, looking around him. He saw Frodo fuming in frustration and said, "What is Mr. Frodo? Do you want some more of my cooking lessons, or do you want to do pushups for ANNOYING ME!" he bellowed, springing up. "FIFTY PUSHUPS FOR BUGGING YOUR COMMANDING OFFICER AND CRITISIZING HIS CHOICES OF FOOD, MAGGOT!" he screamed, throwing his sausage on the ground. Everyone ran over to the two hobbits to see Frodo do some work for a change. Legolas was thinking how miserable and humiliating that would be, but he decided to kick poor Frodo while he was down.

"Hee, hee, hee, you look so stupid, I mean, like, dude!" he laughed, pointing at Frodo, who amazingly had already gotten to fifteen. Frodo went red in the face and looked like he was about to cry. Legolas continued to chuckle until he realized that everyone was glaring at him. Sam was blowing steam from his ears.

"You...you..." he started, but he was so furious that he could not say anything and sat down. "You tell him for me, Gandalf," he managed to say, "I will say no more." He put his head in his hands. Gandalf practically jumped for joy when he heard those words.

"I will say it with pleasure," he said proudly, turning to a very scared Legolas. Legolas shrunk behind Aragorn, who pushed him away. Gandalf cleared his throat, and everyone held their breaths. "ONE HUNDRED PUSHUPS FOR SPEAKING OUT OF LINE, MAGGOT!" shrieked Gandalf. Legolas sulked and lay down on the ground.

"One sir, two sir, three sir, oh, I can't do it anymore, sir!" he wailed, dropping to the dirt. The Fellowship stared at him pitilessly.

"You should have thought of that before you called him a name," said Aragorn haughtily.

"What _do_ you think of all day, anyways?" questioned Boromir.

Legolas's mind went to face creams, body creams, lilac fragrances, dry and fringed hair, what would happen if such a thing could happen to him and how he could go on living, and last of all, his one true love which he expected to see in Rohan, the beautiful Eowyn. "Uh-hum," he said, "I don't really think you need to know. Anyways, you are all so mean to me!" he pouted.

"That's what you get for bein' mean to Private Frodo," replied Sam, walking over to him.

"Private Frodo?" said Boromir.

"Yes," answered Sam, "I am promoting him to the rank of Private, since he has completed his pushups, unlike girly-boy here," he pointed to Legolas, who had not even gotten to seven and was whining about his hair getting messy and his complexion growing filthy.

Sam sighed and rolled his eyes. "Is there anyone who will do the rest of Cadet Legolas' pushups for him so that he can put some Olay Regenerist on his face?" he asked the Fellowship. No one responded. "You'll get no name calling for a whole month," continued Sam.

"Well, that isn't so bad," said Pippin hopefully.

"No," said Sam, "No, it isn't." Pippin thought for a second, and then said, "It's a deal!" He shook Sam's hand vigorously and dropped on the ground. He had already gotten to twenty-five within ten seconds.

"Wow, he's like Superman!" said Gimli, tugging on his beard.

"Which one, the guy in the movie, or the dude on the TV show?" questioned Aragorn.

"What does it matter?" shrugged Gimli.

"It just DOES!" squealed Aragorn.

"Oh, just shut up for once in your life, will you?" said Merry, disgusted; "I thought we were talking about Pippin, anyways."

"Who?" asked Aragorn stupidly, scratching his head. He took his hand away from his head and looked at it. "Oh, diapers," he muttered, "Looks like I have flakes again. Time again for the stinky shampoo."

Sorry, that wasn't too long. Review, review!  



	9. The Fellowship & the Geezers p 2

Ok, thanks for ALL your FABULOUS reviews! You guys are da BOMBS! Thanks so much!

Authoresshiding : Yeah, the 'oh diapers' thing is weird. But then 'o course... I'm weird too... so there might be a wee wittle bit of a connection, there...

Jousting Elf with a Sabre : Thanks for reviewing, I'm so glad you like my story! Here's the next chapter!

The Fellowship and the Geezers Part Dos (two)

Merry shook his head and went back to watching his cousin, who had finished the pushups. "Whee hoo, looks like you did it, buddy boy," he said, patting him on the back.

"Thanks," replied Pippin, shaking his head, which was covered in sweat. Merry made a face. " Whoa, you need a shower, dude. You smell really bad."

Pippin smelled himself. "I don't think so, I just took a bath a couple months ago. Or was it a year? But moving on, do you by any chance know where we're headed off to next? Gondor? Rohan? San Francisco?"

"I don't know," replied Merry, "I don't know what's going to happen." He walked away, starting to cry.

Pippin was very confused. "What's his problem?" he thought, "maybe too much Longbottom Leaf. Oh well." He started to walk off.

Suddenly Merry came bounding back, calling his name. Pippin was very annoyed, and thought that it was Sam asking him if he could listen to some cooking lessons. When Merry was right behind him, Pippin whisked around and snapped, "Look, I don't WANT any cooking... oh, it's you Merry. Never mind."

Merry was exasperated. "Who'd ya think it was, the Easter Bunny?" he asked, insulted.

"Well, now that you mention it, I was wondering if Easter was coming up soon," replied Pippin foolishly; "Because I was very much in the mood for some candy and a chocolate bunny. Does the Easter Bunny come to you while you're on a mission to destroy the Ring, Merry?"

Merry stared at him in utter annoyance. Pippin looked at him expectantly for an answer. "Well?" Pippin axed. "What say you?"

Aragorn suddenly rushed over and grabbed Pippin's shirt. "How dare you take my line, you overgrown gardener!" he yelled, the fresh scent of smoke still on his breath.

Pippin choked and hacked, but finally managed to get out, "My...name...is...Pi, ahem, ppin, you...mor...on," he said, trying to get his breath back.

Merry came up behind Aragorn and punched him in the back, making him drop Pippin. "My cousin is NOT the gardener, and he certainly is not overweight! If you want a fat botanist, then go find Sam, you brain dead BUM!"

"What did you say about me?" shrieked Sam, who was studying to see if impatiens would grow in the rocks.

"Erm, nothing sir!" called Merry nervously.

Aragorn staggered back up and ran away from Merry and Pippin. He then reflected on his past and present life. Why should a future king of Gondor (especially a handsome, tall, and not to mention bulked to perfection, I mean, look at those muscles, one) be talking to lesser small people? Sheesh.

With this in mind, he went off to go sharpen his knife, but when he banged it against the rock, it crashed into microscopic pieces. He felt very shattered at the loss of his only knife. He thought of all the times he had spent with it, of how he had first accidentally stabbed himself with it, and when he tried to cut a tree down with it. Why did it suddenly betray him when he needed it most?

"Oh, my knife, oh my knife, why hast thou betrayed me?" he sang (sung to the tune of 'silver bells') sadly, shlumping down on the ground.

Pippin, meanwhile, had been helped up by Merry, and asked him why he had called his name earlier.

"It's just something that Gandalf said," Merry replied earnestly.

"What did he say?" questioned Pippin.

"'Don't you lose him, Meriadoc Brandybuck.' And I don't mean to," answered Merry seriously.

"Merry, we're still in the wild," said Pippin, "What could possibly happen?"

At that moment, a huge flock of crows flew right over his head, cawing as they went. Their mission was completed successfully. They had found the source of the whistle, while also discovering that crummy loser Gandalf leading a bunch of freaks into the wilderness for nothing. When will these stupid wizards make any sense? Sheesh.

They reported back to Saruman, who was overseeing the makings of his New and Improved Uruk-Hai. "Too long have these wizards and men stood against you, milord Sauron," he thought, "But no more." He hobbled up to Orthanc and grabbed a big old book he had found in his antique collection earlier. It was covered in dust, and as he turned it over, a huge spider was lying on top of the cover.

"Eeek, a spider!" he shrieked, slamming the book and banging down on the table. He slowly turned it over to see if it was dead, but looked closer at it and realized that someone had drawn the spider on to the book. "What? Who did this?" he growled. Underneath the spider he saw the initials: G.G.W. He looked up and wondered who that could be. "Grouse, Granby, Goober..." he pondered, trying to think of names. Suddenly he had a thought. "Grima!" he shouted, banging his fist on the table.

A short ugly man with black hair and a black robe came slowly in. "What orders from Mordor, Milord? What does the eye command?" he said, bowing low to Saruman. Saruman was annoyed. "You are not supposed to say those words, you idiot! And why did you draw a spider on my book?"

Grima was puzzled. "I did _not_ draw a spider on your book. I hate spiders."

"Oh yeah?" snarled Saruman, snatching the book and shoving it in Grima's face, "Then whose initials are those? I know of no one else whose initials are 'Gross Grima Wants'! The only part you forgot was 'E' for Eowyn!"

Grima inspected them closely. "I believe those letters stand for 'Gandalf Greyhame, Wizard', milord. He must have done that while he was here to play a trick on you. After all, you did imprison him for a long time."

"Gandalf? Gandalf?" said Saruman, obviously not remembering him. Grima looked at him in anticipation. "Ohh, yes, I remember. Elderly chap, big grey beard. Not seen 'em for six months," ended Saruman thoughtfully.

Grima slapped his hand to his forehead. "Duuhh, of course you haven't seen him for months! He's bringing a company of peoples to Gondor or somethin' so that they can destroy the Ring and get Sauron out of power and so that you will also be destroyed and-"

Saruman grabbed his robe. "Now you listen to me, and you listen good and proper," he said. "We can't have Gandalf goin' and destroying our only hope. We have to get that ring! Am I understood?" he shouted. Grima nodded fearfully. Saruman released Grima, sending him falling to the hard floor.

"Good," answered Saruman, going back over to the table and opening the book. "Now, we must come up with a brilliant strategy to foil Gandalf and his evil plan," said Saruman, flipping through the pages. Suddenly he came upon the chapter, "How to foil Gandalf and his Evil plan."

"Yeeeehaaa!" shouted Saruman, jumping up and down, "I've found the solution!"

"You know how to blow Gandalf to kingdom come?" said Grima hopefully, slowly getting up.

"No," replied Saruman, "I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico."

Mwa ha ha eee he he he! Vhat vill Grima dooooo? Well, I shall only tell you if you review. So dere!  



	10. Interlude:sort of! Sourboy & Germy Wormy

Okie day, people, heeere is de next chapster! Thank you so much for all your VONDERFUL reviews!

Authoresshiding: Well, I'll just have to check some of your stories out. Thanks for reviewing!

Jousting Elf with a Sabre: Yeah, I liked that part about Geico, too! Thank you for reviewing, as always!

Dun, dun dun DUUUUNNN! The conclusion to: Vhat Vill Grima DOOOOOO? Thank you very much.

"Oh," answered Grima, "never mind." He looked over Saruman's shoulder to see what the book said.

Saruman whipped out his cool dude spectacles and read the part about defeating Gandalf. "Let's see... it says I have to cut down some big trees surrounding my tower, and I have to align myself with a red eye and I have to get me some Uruk Hai.." He turned to Grima and peered at him through his spectacles. "You know where we can buy some Uruk Hai?"

Grima thought for a minute. "I dunno. I guess you could try Amazon," he suggested. "They usually have everything... except for an Eowyn barbie doll!" he hissed to himself.

"Perfecto!" cried Saruman, slamming the book and pushing away, obviously not hearing the part about the Eowyn barbie. Maybe it was because he didn't hear Grima because of his old and terrible hearing ( Grima knew that he should've listened to the doc's orders and gotten a hearing aid, but NOOO, Saruman was too prideful and stupid), or maybe it was simply because he DIDN'T CARE.

Ahem, anyways, Saruman opened a door and took out his Dell laptop, opened it, and turned it on. The screen told him to give his password. "A little privacy here?" He said to Grima.

Grima grumbled and turned away. When they got to the internet, and went to Amazon. com, they found, alas! That the last Uruks had just been sold out. So they tried The Black Side Collectibles. com, but they had none either. Then they went to Evil Wizards of Middle Earth. org, but they were all out of stock as well.

"Oh, porta-potties," muttered Saruman, typing super fast to another site. After they had tried about 4,000 web sites, Saruman was about ready to give up. "I give up," he sobbed, clunking his head on the laptop.

"Hey, try the 'I love Eowyn' fansite at Eowyn is the hottest Middle Earth Chick. com," recommended Grima, who was pining away for his "love".

Saruman slowly brought his head back up and stared fiercely at him. "Leave me alone, snake!" he shouted, thumping the laptop down.

"That hurts, that really hurts," bleated Grima.

Saruman stood up, and suddenly a brilliant idea came into his mind. "I am a GENUIS!" he all of a sudden cried, hugging Grima.

"Uh, Saruman, you okay? Do you need some fresh air or something?" asked a very worried Grima.

Saruman shook his head. "I have it, Grima, I have it!" he cried.

"Have what?" replied Grima, "A bad cold? A brain toomer? The hiccups? A fatal and uncurable disease that will kill you in mere hours so that I can have your tower, your money, and not to mention your good clothes and better food as well?"

"No, cur, an idea!" snapped Saruman. "We can _make_ our own Uruk-Hai! Just think of it, Grima," he said, putting his arm around Grima's shoulder, "'Saruman's Uruk-Hai., Made personally from the ditches of Isengard." Doesn't that wanna make you sigh and think, 'How great is life?'" He said dreamily.

Grima slowly backed away from him. "Yeahh, that's really nice, Saruman, but you've already have started to make some Uruk-Hai. You just oversaw them this morning, remember?" He had forgotten that teeny tiny miniscule unimportant and not really worth remebering detail before.

Saruman's dream disappeared in a puff of smoke. "Oh yeahh," he sighed, slowly plopping back into his seat. Apparantly he ALSO had forgotten to remeber that teeny tiny miniscule - I think you get the general idea.

Now Saruman had a bad habit of making puns, but his memory was ten times worse. I mean, the poor guy had trouble even with finding the bathroom. More than once he embarrassingly had to ask the Orcs to show him the bathroom, and more than once he was forced to kill that Orc so he would not be laughed at and made fun of for the rest of his life (which all of his staff knew, was not going to be that much longer, he ate WAY too many double chocolate cream pudding cakes with oodles of whipped cream and double chocolate frosting). Finally his Orc supply began to diminish, so he had to write to Mordor and ask for more. But then Grima came along and put up signs so that he would not lose any more Orcs. He had about thirty signs saying "bathroom this way", and arrows pointing which way to go. But anyways, back to our story.

Saruman decided that the only way that he could get Gandalf back for the spider and having the Ring was to scare him in the wrong direction. "They'll be caught like rats in a trap," he chuckled, "Because of the crows, he will think that the passage south is being watched. He'll have no choice but to go through the Mines of Moria. Oh blessed words! I have not heard a better thing, since I found out that my robes don't come in _just_ white anymore! What d'ya think, Wormy?" he said to Grima, who was busy making a scale model of Isengard.

"I think it's swell," Grima replied, putting another spike on the side.

Saruman seized this wonderful opportunity to do another one of his infamous puns. "Gandalf's like a spike in my side," he groaned, holding his side. Grima stared at him. "Get it? Spike? Side?" he pointed to Grima's model. "Whee, hee, hee, AHH, ha, ha, ha!" He laughed and went into another one of his famous ground rolls, slapping the floor as he rolled.

"Oh BROTHER!" cried Grima. Saruman then hit the ground so hard that Grima's model toppled over and smashed into a bazillion pieces.

"HORRORS! That hurts, that really hurts," shrieked Grima; "That crashed into a bazillion pieces! NOW what do I have to show Eowyn? Nothing, nothing, NOTHING!"

Saruman stopped rolling. "Don't get excited, Germy Wormy, it's easily repaired."

Grima was shaking with anger. "Easily repaired?" he said. "Easily repaired? Well, I'll show YOU easily repaired, Sourboy!" He grabbed Saruman's Palantir and threw it down on the ground. And that crashed into two bazillion pieces.

"Noooo!" cried Saruman, jumping up. "Just for that, you are banished forthwith from the kingdom of Isengard for three months until you get Theoden against his nephew, so that we can take over Rohan. Now get out, GET OUT!"

Grima shrieked with joy. "Now I'll get to see Eowyn! Hey Sourboy, can I keep her? Please? I'll feed her and take care of her and-"

"Oh, fine," snapped Saruman, "But you hafta quit callin' me Sourboy. It gets on my nerves."

"OK, boss, whatever you say, Boss," replied Grima, bowing and rushing out of the room.

Veeeelll, that was very interEsting, vasn't it? Iv you vant me to stop talkink like dees den you juust tell me riiight avay! Anyvays, Review, review! I can't live vithout dem! No, seriously, I can't. Well, maybe I can... just a LITTLE...  



	11. Saruman and Harry Potter

Well, I had to rush this chappie up... because a certain reviewer told me that she would sick her little demon friends on me if I didn't... so here it is! 

Authoresshiding: Thanks very much! I'm glad you liked it, but I'm not sure if I'll stop talking like that. Well, maybe I will. I don't know yet.

aranimanga23: Woot! Thanks for reviewing, I thank you so VERY much! Yes, I will put some Japanese in here, just for YOUU! Zound good? Ok, here's the next chappie, I'm so glad you like it! PS: When your family thinks you're acting insane, tell them to read the story, and then maybe they'll understand.

Here's the next chapster!

Saruman shook his head as he watched Grima ride out of Isengard. "Ho hum," he sighed. "How I've watched him grow up from a low life loser to this. He'll be a good lord of Rohan in no time at all. But first I hafta get rid of dat dude Faramir first. He can't marry Eowyn, or else my plan is ruined. RUINED!" he shouted out. He raced out to his balcony and pushed the button for his hydraulic elevator so that he could try and spy on Gandalf. "Come on, come on!" he yelled impatiently, ramming the button for the top floor about sixty times. The elevator whooshed up speedily without no warning.

"ANY warning!" shouted Frodo. Hey, shut up for once in your life, would you? I'm trying to write a story here! Aren't you supposed to be falling down or something?

"Oh, forget it," replied Frodo. Thank you. Now, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted by a VERY annoying hobbit, Saruman reached the top of his tower and stepped out onto the black stone. But alas and alack, he could not see a single thing. A huge cloud was right in the midst of his tower. He fumbled around, trying to push the clouds away.

"Oh, porta potties!" he growled, stumbling in the fog. "Kono kouzento akushuu!" cried in Japanese. ( Translation: This officially stinks! A/N: I don't think that was the right way to say it, but I did my best, so don't get mad) He tried to use his staff to push the mist away, but that did not do a single thing.

"I have it!" said he, "I'll just send it to that big mountain over there." He tried to see Caradhras, but he could not. "Or is it over there? Or maybe there? Darn!" he cried, "I'll just hafta wing it." He spoke some magic words he had learned in Hogwarts, and thanked his dear friend Harry Potter for teaching him all those handy spells. Saruman's eyes welled up with tears.

"Oh, Harry, how I miss thee. I shall write to you sometime so we can get together and hang out. Oh well, moving on," he said, wiping the tears. He then found out that he need Visene for his eyes. 'There's a Visene for that.'

"All this dirt and fire is making my baby blue eyes dry," he complained, moving the clouds towards some object.

But what he did not know was that he had hit the jackpot and aimed right for Caradhras, which, coincidentally, the Fellowship was just climbing up it to get away from him.

"Would you mind slowing down a bit, Sam?" panted Aragorn.

Boromir and Frodo nodded, trying to catch their breaths.

Sam sighed in annoyance. "Fine, but we can't go too slow, you sluggards. I have a boxing match with Slinker at four o' clock, and I can't afford to be late." He turned around and kept pushing though the snow.

Frodo, at the perfect moment, stumbled over his feet and barreled down the mountain right into Aragorn.

"For once in your life can you not fall down, Frodo?" said Aragorn irritably, grabbing his collar and dragging him back up on his feet. Frodo glared at Aragorn and decided he felt like disappearing, so he reached for the Ring on its chain. But he shockingly noticed that it was no longer around his neck. He gasped another one of his girly gasps and yelled really loud, "I'VE LOST THE RING, EVERYONE! I CAN'T FIND IT ANYWHERE!"

The Fellowship turned around and glared at him.

"What? What's wrong, guys?" Frodo inquired.

"Don't you understand?" Merry said, "The enemy thinks you have the Ring. He's going to be looking for you, Frods. They have to get you out of here."

Frodo was very befuddled. "But...I do have the Ring," he said stupidly.

"Not anymore," pointed out Boromir, "You lost it somewhere."

Okie day, there's the next chapster. It was short, I know, but I had to put something up! Don't hert me, please! (BTW, I DO know how to spell 'hurt')  



	12. On top of Caradhras all covered in snow

Oh my gosh! So many Vonderful (Wonderful) reviews! Thank you! Here's the next chapster for ya!

Authoressinhiding: Yeah, I liked the ones where the Geco talked, too... I wonder why they don't do that anymore...

StringynKel: I'm glad you like the story and continue to review! Thank you!

Jousting Elf with a Sabre: Thank you for reviewing, yet again! Hope you don't die from laughing too much, though! He he he!

'Ere's the next part!

"Quit rubbing it my face, Boromir! I know I lost it, and that isn't helping anything when you repeat me!" said Frodo. (But what's really painful is that he just said he knew that he lost it, but before he said that he DID have it! By this time you're realizing, I hope, that Frodo isn't the smartest character under the sun) He started looking for the Ring on the ground.

"Everyone search for the Ring!" ordered Sam, striding back to the spot where Frodo had fallen.

They all dropped on the ground and started rummaging through the snow. After about forty-five minutes, Legolas yelled, "I got it, I got it!"

Everyone was very excited and relieved until he continued, "Oh, wait, it's only a Dr. Pepper can. Never mind. False alarm, everybody!" he called out shamefacedly, throwing the can behind his back.

They all scowled at him and continued searching. Finally, Gimli saw something shining in the snow. He dug for it, and pulled out the Ring (Taa-daa!). "I found it, everybody!" he hollered, holding it up for everyone to see.

Frodo slowly reached for it. "Give it to me," he said in a low voice.

Gimli recoiled.

"Gimli," Frodo said again, "Give me the Ring!"

Gimli slowly put his hand back out and Frodo snatched it. He put it back around his neck.

"You must understand. The Ring is my burden," Frodo sad sadly.

"Okay, people, let's get a move on, here!" said Sam, getting up and brushing himself off.

The spell broke and the company kept pushing forward. They kept going up until it started to snow. It started lightly at first, but soon it was a howling and whirling snowstorm. The Fellowship wrapped their cloaks around themselves and kept pushing through.

"When do think it will stop, Gandalf?" Boromir asked, who was carrying both Merry and Pippin.

"Do not ask me questions!" the wizard shouted back over the whistling wind.

"Why don't we just tune into WTIC News talk 1080 and hear the seven day forecast?" said Sam cleverly.

Everyone stared at him as if he were insane. Pippin, meanwhile, was pondering the reason of life. "To be or not to be, that is the question," he said, his face growing white with cold.

"Oh, be quiet," replied Boromir, aggravated.

"No back talk, bucko," warned Sam, pulling his cloak closer to his body.

"Jerk," muttered Boromir under his breath. Suddenly, a strike of lightning hit the peak above them and sent snow tumbling on top of them. They shrieked and yelled and cried for their mommies, but to no avail. They were quickly smothered in a soft blanket of snow.

Legolas was the first to pop out of the snow. "I feel, like I'm back at the Green Dragon, after a hard day's work," he said, pushing the snow away.

"Only," grimaced Boromir as he was pulling himself out; "You've never done a hard day's work. You always are primping your hair or globbing face cream on."

"Or guzzling down thirty mugs of beer and getting drunk," continued Gimli, also coming up from the snowfall.

"Ninety-nine mugs of beer on the wall, ninety-nine mugs of beer!" sang Pippin, brushing the excess snow off of himself.

Aragorn finally pushed his way to the open, and Boromir thought that this was a good chance to show that he was better than him.

"I came up before you did, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!" he taunted, pointing at Aragorn, who, despite the fact it was below thirty (darn that forecaster, he said it was going to be a high of forty with partly cloudy skies) , turned a ruby red. "So what? How does that make you better than me?" he said angrily.

Frodo popped up and yelled, "Better than _I_, you MORON!"

"Oh, stuff it," said Aragorn crossly, stuffing poor Frodo back under the snow.

"It makes me better than you because I pushed my way up first, and that concludes...Ta-da! That I am stronger than you. Take that, you black bellied infant!" shouted Boromir.

Aragorn started to cry and hit the snow. He accidentally hit poor Frodo, who was trying to get back up to the surface, but when Aragorn hit him, he was sent back into Winter Wonderland. 'Oh, joy,' he thought; 'now probably Santa Claus and his reindeer are going to appear and start handing out presents. Well, that wouldn't' be too bad, because I have been wanting a b-b gun. But he most likely wouldn't give me one, cause I haven't been on the best of behavior.' He was quite downcast.

"We cannot stay on this mountain!" shouted Sam to Gandalf, "We must go through the Mines of Moria, or Saruman will kill us!"

"No, he has no power anymore," replied Gandalf, putting his hat back on.

"Yes, he does!" retorted Sam.

"Um, no, he doesn't," snapped Gandalf.

"Yes he does."

"No he doesn't."

"Yes he DOES!"

"No he DOESN'T!"

"Hey guys," Merry broke in, "This isn't helping anything. We all know that Saruman is still in power and is making a whole bunch of super orcs and is going to destroy the kingdom of Rohan and that he's going to give Eowyn to Grima and-"

"We get the point, Merry," Pippin interrupted. "If anyone were to ask my opinion, which I know they're not, I would say we are taking the long way around. Guys, we could go through the Mines of Moria. My cousin Balin would give us a royal welcome," he said proudly.

"But, Balin is not your cousin," said Frodo, befuddled.

"And I would not take the road through Moria unless I had no other choice," put in Gandalf.

Everyone looked at him. "Well... maybe I don't have another choice," he said timidly. "Oh well, looks like we're going through the Mines of Moria, folks." He motioned for them to turn around.

"Zounds like a plan to me," said Aragorn contentedly.

"I'm in," added Boromir.

"You have my bow," offered Legolas.

"And my axe," put in Gimli.

"But do I have _you_, that is the question," Gandalf said. The four were quite befuddled, as usual.

Merry decided that trudging down that hill again would be a nightmare, so he whipped out his cool dude snowboard and went flying down the mountain. "Wheeehaaa!" he shrieked, passing the startled Fellowship.

"Hey, wait for me!" cried Pippin, pulling out his snowboard and following him.

"I want me one of those!" shouted Boromir.

"Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took. I might have known," growled Gandalf menacingly.

Ok, there was that chapster. Review, review!  



	13. Gandalf with the Hat Comes Back

Thank you all so much for your wonderful reviews! I'm glad that you like my story so far!

Authoressinhiding: I am happy that you are laughing! (Just be careful, you don't want to have to get humorous fanficiton insurance like one of my other reviewers, I hear it can be quite expensive! )

Jousting Elf with a Sabre: Thank you, I also think it was a good chapster.

Heeeere's Johnny! Uh, uh, uhum, I mean, heeeere's the next chapster! Sorry about that...

Chapter 9: Moria's Mines

The Fellowship finally made their way to the bottom of the mountain and were nearing the walls of Moria.

"The walls!" Gimli gasped without warning.

"What walls?" Legolas asked. "All I see is some rocks and an ugly stream of water. Where I come from, we have trees and birds and wine and-"

"Spiders," muttered Frodo, shivering.

"Where I come from, it's cornbread and chicken, where I come from, a lot a front porch sittin'," sang Pippin.

"Oh, stick a lid in it," prattled Sam.

"Who sings that, anyway?" Merry asked.

"Alan Jackson," replied Pippin knowingly.

"I don't like most of his songs, they're boring," muttered Frodo, kicking an imaginary pebble.

"And we need not mention things that are not worth talking about, Frodo Baggins," huffed Legolas, tossing his hair. He thought to himself, "Ahh, when she sees how perfect I am, Eowyn will want to jump into my arms and shout 'happy days are here again.'"

"_She_ will want to jump into _your_ arms?" said Aragorn astonished. Legolas realized he had been thinking out loud.

"Hee, hee, hee, oh that's hilarious," roared Aragorn and Boromir. Legolas' pointy ears became cherry red.

"She... want... to jump... into... your... arms," panted Aragorn, cackling with laughter. He dropped into a famous Saruman roll, and Gandalf kicked him.

"Eeeowww!" hollered Aragorn.

Boromir laughed all the harder, and Aragorn got up and cast angry glares at him.

"Let's get ourselves a move on, maggots!" shouted Sam, breaking out a cooking pan. "This is for any back-talkers or peoples who make snide remarks," he said, gripping it tightly.

Everyone gulped and shook, and shook and gulped, and gulped and…never mind.

They approached the walls around eight o' clock to be exact, (that's for all you precise people out there) and Gimli started to tap on the stone.

"Dude, what in the heck are you doin'?" Legolas asked, rebraiding his hair for the eleventh time.

"I'm trying to see how many miles it is from here to the Mines, and if someone has a watch, then-" Gimli started.

"I have Rolex with eighteen carat diamonds set in the wristband and the center," shouted Aragorn, flashing the watch at Gimli..

Gimli rolled his eyes.

"Well, I have a Timex with Mithril _and_ twenty-four carat yellow diamonds!" yelled Boromir, shining his watch at Aragorn with a triumphant look on his face.

"Aww, nuts," said Aragorn, disappointed. He kicked a rock into the water and watched the ripples, um, well, ripple, I guess.

"Do not throw rocks into the water!" shrieked Gandalf, banging Aragorn on the back with his staff. Aragorn dropped on the ground and tucked into a defensive ball.

"Time to play, 'throw the Aragorn'!" shouted Frodo, running over to him and trying to pick him up.

"No time to lose, sillies!" said Sam; "We have riddles to solve, doors to open, orcs to kill, wizards to lose…"

"EEEEEAAAAAAAAAA!" screamed Gandalf. He threw his staff on the ground and tried unsuccessfully to make a getaway; but Aragorn and Boromir grabbed him and held him fast.

"No, no, NO, I DON'T WANT TO DIE!" sobbed Gandalf, sinking to the ground. He thunked his head on a rock and continued to cry.

Sam walked over to him and slapped his head.

"You're goin' in there whether ya like it or not, and quit bein' such a baby about it! If you don't figure out this password for us, then we can't complete this mission! Maybe I'll just tell Elrond you'd never like to watch "Pride and Prejudice" again," Sam shouted mercilessly.

"Hey, I figured out the password, guys!" Frodo shouted, hopping up and down.

Sam was downcast. "Oh, never mind. Maybe we don't need you, Gandalf. I guess you can go back to Rivendell now."

Gandalf jumped up and grabbed his hat. "Yeeeehaaa, sweet home Alabama, I'm comin' home to you!" He shook hands with Sam and tried to skitter away.

"HOLD IT, EVERYONE!" yelled Boromir; "Who will lead us in this deadly dark if Gandalf doesn't? And who will be here to call Legolas a prissy-priss, or Aragorn a pouty-puss, or Pippin a fool of a Took, or Sam a overweight officer, or-"

"SHADDAP!" shrieked Sam; "DO YOU HEAR ME, SHUT UP!"

"Now that you mention it, Boromir does have a point there," said Gimli, stroking his beard thoughtfully.

Everyone glanced at Gandalf with an evil look in their eyes. Gandalf gulped and slowly backed away from the Fellowship, who started to some nearer to him.

"Well, chaps, since everyone isn't too keen on me calling them names, I'd best be on my merry way now. Ta-ta!" he continued to back up, but Bill the pony blocked his way and gave him a head but.

"Aaahaaa!" cried Gandalf nervously, rubbing his sore bum. Bill snorted at him and shook his mane. "Niice horsey," said Gandalf, patting him on the head. Bill tried to bite him.

"It's no use, Gandalf," said Sam, "You'll have to come along with us or perish. This mission relies solely upon your shoulders, and do not take me for some conjurer of cheap tricks; I'm not trying to kill you. I'm trying to help you."

"Ohhhh," muttered Gandalf, shuffling back over to the company.

"THREE CHEERS FOR GANDALF AND COMPANY!" cried Frodo.

Everyone shouted, "HIP, HIP, HUZZAH, HIP, HIP, HUZZAH, HIP, HIP, HUZZAH!" Those who had hats threw them up in the air, and those who had cloaks tried the same thing with their hoods, but only succeeded in choking themselves. After all that, Sam asked Frodo what the password was.

"Well, um, you see..." he said nervously, rubbing his neck, "I kinda, sorta, well... forgot it." He grinned uneasily at the company.

Sam looked as if he wanted to throttle him. "You, you, you... AUGH! Is there anyone else who knows the password?" He cried.

"All I know is I want some melon," said Pippin, "I'm starving."

Suddenly there was a great creaking sound, and the doors to Moria opened. Everyone stared with gaping mouths at Pippin, except Merry.

"Good luck trying to find anything decent to eat around here. Probably nothin' but dead rats and moldy bread," Merry said sadly.

Gandalf whacked him on the back. "You Buckhead," he said, "That comes in the second movie. Well maggots, pressing onward now. We don't have time for tom-foolery." And with that he went in to the cave.

Weeeell, whaaat's going to happen next, hmmm? A bit of a cliffhanger, eh? Or should I say, a cave hanger... I don't know... anyways, you know the drill, people! Reviewing time, reviewing time!  



	14. Darth Vader? What is HE doing here?

Okee dokee, here's the next Vonderful (wonderful) chapster! Thanks for your reviews!

Jousting Elf with a Sabre: Um, blushes with embarrassment I don't know where I got that from. I've just heard it before somewhere, so...

Authoressinhiding: Same answer as above.

"How do we know Gandalf knows what he's doin'?" Frodo asked as they walked into the darkness.

"We have no choice but to trust him," replied Legolas.

"But where is he leadin' us?" questioned Sam, pushing Bill away.

"Rivendell, master Gamgee," replied an idiotic Aragorn, "To the house of Elrond."

Boromir punched him in the back. "You already said that, stupid!" he yelled.

"Whatever!" shrugged Aragorn.

Merry and Pippin broke into a song at the perfect time. "I'm just like you, you're just like me, it's something anyone can see. A heart that beats, a heat that speaks, a voice that speaks the truth. Yes, I am a Hobbit like YOU!" They sang loudly, their voices echoing in the cavern.

"SHADDAP, MAGGOTS!" hissed Gandalf. Suddenly they heard a hoarse breathing. And Bill the pony came out! No, no, no, I didn't mean a _horse_ breathing, I meant a hoarse breathing, like someone who had major breathing problems, someone who sounded like he had eleven breathalyzers, someone who seriously should consider a surgery to have his lungs replaced and his brain checked for smoking too many cigarettes, someone like... Darth Vader! Except he doesn't smoke, but anyways! Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about, people! A breathin', schemin', meanin' machinen. ( I'm not exactly sure if machinen is a word, but humor me, here. You can't always expect me to do grammar right.)

The whole packaged deal, baby! Right fresh from the Death Star. Lord of the Sith, defender of the faith, um, no, actually that was King Henry the eighth, but never mind. Servant to the emperor, father to Luke and Leia, enemy to his long time friend, Obi-Wan, aaand... a BIG BABY IF YOU ASK ME! HOW IN THE WORLD DID HE GET THE CUTE CHICK WITH ALL HIS WHINING AND COMPLAINING? THIS WORLD IS INSANE, I TELL YOU, INSANE! Ahem, pardon me.

As I was saying, the Fellowship stared in fright as the black dude blacker than the black beauties they had previously been acquainted with before came walking towards them from inside the Mines. He stopped in front of Gandalf, who was glaring at him and muttering to himself.

Everyone wondered what Darthie was doing as he stood there breathing... and breathing... and breathing. Frodo was the first to speak up.

"Soo, how's the emperor these days?" he foolishly asked.

No answer.

"Ok, how's Luke?"

Still no answer.

"Leia?"

Nothing.

"Anybody?"

Silence.

Gandalf spoke suddenly and sternly. "What are you doing in this story, anyways? You should not be here, faithless and accursed. Go back to your home."

Darth Vader still said nothing, but slowly took of his helmet to reveal...

"It's the Lord Celeborn!" cried Aragorn, dropping on one knee. Everyone stared at the fake Darth Vader with utter astonishment.

"What in Saint Halibut's name are you doing in this dungeon, especially dressed as _Darth Vader_, of all men?" yelled Gandalf angrily, stomping his staff on the ground.

"The enemy knows you have entered here," replied Celeborn calmly. "What hope you had in secrecy is now gone."

Everyone stared blankly at him. "Not the brightest fellow, is he?" Frodo said.

Celeborn glared at him, infuriated. "A little feisty this morning, aren't we?" growled the lord of Lothlorien.

Everyone stared at him.

"Er, Kelly, it's not morning, it's about ten thirty at night," pointed out Aragorn, checking his watch.

Boromir quickly checked his also. "Yours is wrong, dude," he said, "Mine says it's ten forty-five."

"So what?" sneered Aragorn.

"So, that concludes I am not only stronger than you, but I also have a better watch! Man, I am ROCKIN' the house tanight, baby. Yeeeehaaa! I feel good!" he started doing a dance.

"You sound like Bo Duke," pointed out Legolas critically.

Boromir stared blankly at him. "Bo Duke?" he said.

Legolas slapped his forehead in disgust. "Duuhh, Bo Duke always says, 'Yeeeehaaa!' when he's getting away from Sheriff Roscoe. Don't you ever watch 'The Dukes of Hazzard'?" he asked irritably.

"I LOVE Daisy," said Aragorn, "especially in dem cut off jeans. Hoo, baby, is that girl hot or what!"

Celeborn glared at him. "I shall be sure to tell Galadriel that, who will tell that to Elrond, who will tell that to Arwen, who will get her butt on over to my place and wait until you come there, and she will rip your hair off and tell you that you're a BIG LOSER!"

Aragorn started to whimper. And whimper. And whimper. Then the whimper turned into a choke, then a cry, then a sob, then a scream, then a shriek, then a... you get the point. He started to drop on the ground and continued his I-feel-sorry-for-myself-and-how-come-I-hafta-go-on-this-stupid-mission-routine.

The Fellowship stared at him coldly.

"When it's cold outside, I've got the month of May," sang Pippin. "I guess I say, what can make me feel this way? My girl!"

Everyone but Gandalf and Celeborn joined in. "My Girl, my girl, my girl, talkin' 'bout my girrll!" With that they skipped past the two boogers and went merrily up the stairs past all the dead Dwarfs and Goblin arrows, taking no notice of anything else. Guys. Sheesh.

Gandalf and Celeborn glanced at each other, and then shuffled after them. "Wait up, maggots," called Gandalf, "You don't know the way,"

Frodo turned back. "Where there's a will, there's a way," he said haughtily, running after his companions, who were now running around crazily, smashing their swords against walls, throwing old buckets with long chains down into the deep, finding big drums in the deep and banging on them to their hearts' content, not knowing that every single orc there was listening to them.

Well, that's that. Hope you liked!  



	15. The Orc Who Wanted His Mommy

Well, folkies, here's the next chapster! Read, Review (Most importantly) and Enjoy! (Second most important. I guess reading would be the least important. Wait, I'm not making any sense here. If you don't read, then you can't review after you enjoy it. How am I making sense?)

StringynKel: Uh oh... all my reviewers have seemed to catch the 'laughing up your gut' sickness. Let this be a warning to the rest of you before you journey forward on your trial of peril!

Authoressinhiding: Thanks for the review, once again! I'm glad you're enjoying it!

Disclaimer: I think... wait.. nope. Don't own LOTR (or darth vader, in the previous chappie,) and never will.

The Company continued their absolutely ridiculous behavior, not knowing that every orc could hear them.

Only one orc who was hanging upside down, pretending he was a bat, complimented them on their singing.

"Ya gotta admit, fellas," he said, "For the enemies of Sauron, they've got some voices."

Another orc named Lurtz slapped him on the head.

"They've picked up our trail," he growled, "And we will deliver them, good voices or not." He glared at the orc, who at that moment wanted his mommy. But sadly he realized that orcs, little or not, had no mommies. With this shock, he screeched loudly, "I WANT MY MOMMY! WAAHHH!" He started to sob uncontrollably.

All the orcs told him to shut up, and said things like, "Stop your squealing, you dungy old rat," or "I'm gonna bleed you like a stuck pig!" And other wonderful things like that. They were all mad except for one nice orc who patted him on the head.

"Aww, it's okay there, little guy," he said, "We don't need mommies, cause we've got each other." He gave the best smile he possibly could without braces and patted him on the back.

"You, you really think so?" sniffled the orc.

The other orc nodded. "Of course I do, and-" he paused suddenly and turned to the others. "Darn it all, guys, for once in your life could you not eat each other? I'm trying to comfort this dude, here."

The others stopped eating and stared at him.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" said an Orc.

"I think I'm thinking what you're thinking," replied another. They looked at each other, and dove for the little orc.

"Let's get him!" they shouted.

"EEEEKKK!" the poor little orc shrieked, diving away and running off into the passage.

As the Fellowship commenced through the Mines, Gandalf suddenly said as they were walking, "Look down, everyone, and you will see the pretty Mithril."

Idiots that they were, they all quickly looked down to see it.

"Where is the Mithril, where IS the Mithril?" Gimli asked.

"Ha, ha, ha, made ya look, made ya look, now you're in the baby book," chuckled Gandalf evilly, hopping from one foot to another.

The Fellowship glared at him as he danced. "So when is this Balrog gonna come along?" asked Boromir.

"Search me," replied Aragorn, "but I hope soon. This geezer is gettin' on my nerves."

"You can say that again, brother," replied Legolas.

Suddenly the shriek of an orc came into hearing. The Fellowship halted and listened intensely. Aragorn put his hand to his ear.

"Hark, ist that a resonance of suffering that I heed?" he said.

Boromir strained to hear. "I cannot tell who or what it is," he said.

"Legolas, what do your Elf ears hear?" Gimli asked impatiently.

"How should I know, I'm not a bat. I can only _see_ far," replied Legolas annoyed.

Gimli grumbled. "Guess you're only a one talent kinda guy," he said.

"It's SARUMAN!" yelled Gandalf.

The Fellowship stared at him in disgust. "Dude, you are so, like, not on track here," criticized Sam.

As he was saying this, the orc came into view, and he was being chased by the other orcs, and, unbelievingly, the nice orc who had tried to comfort him. They were starving and wanting more meats, and the little orc was getting on their nerves.

"Why can't we have some meats?" cried one. Suddenly the Fellowship came into sight, and the orcs stopped dead still.

"What 'bout them?" said one, "They're fresh!"

Gandalf came up to them. "They are not for eating!" he yelled.

"What 'bout their legs?" said an orc. "They don't need those. Ooh, they look tasty." He started towards the freaked-out Fellowship.

Gandalf shoved him back. "Get back, scum!" he shouted.

The orcs growled menacingly, and Aragorn dove behind Legolas, who thought how much of a baby he was. Boromir laughed unafraid and drew his sword.

"I do not fear death," he said proudly. Aragorn popped out from behind Legolas and pulled his sword out also.

"The way is shut," snarled an orc, "It was made by those who are dead, and the dead keep it. The way is shut," he said, approaching the company.

Gandalf and Sam were in the front, and Sam was angry and annoyed. He turned back to the Fellowship, who was awaiting a speech to cheer them on. Sam's eyes welled up with tears, and he said, "For Frodo." He charged at the orcs head on, shouting, "Back, you devils!" he killed one orc and punched another in the face.

The Fellowship yelled and ran after him. Soon all the orcs were dead, except for the little orc who had started all the trouble.

He grinned sheepishly at them as they stared at him. He gave a little wave and said, "Well, my preciousess, I think you had best move on to decent places. There is a nice bridge up ahead, and we must go, yes, we must go at once!"

"We're not in decent places," remarked Aragorn.

"Dude, he just said that!" shouted Boromir.

"He did not!" yelled Aragorn, "He said we should keep going until we _get _to decent places. You're wrong, wrong, you couldn't be any wronger!"

Boromir pouted unhappily.

Frodo had been staring at the little orc for some time, when suddenly he realized that the orc was not an orc! "Gollum," he said suddenly, glaring at the orc.

The Fellowship turned to him.

"What?" said Pippin.

"Do you remember the Old Forest, on the borders of Buckland? Folk used to say there was something in the-" Merry started foolishly.

"Quit it, Cadet," ordered Sam harshly, "You don't say that yet. And I have come to see that... it is Gollum! The old villain!"

Everyone turned to the orc, who appeared rather scared.

"Let's get 'im!" shouted Gimli, running at the shriveled and retired hobbit. (Actually he owned a penthouse in New York city and his own resort in California, but we won't get into that right now.)

"No, wait, hold it, Gimli," said Sam. Gimli muttered and retreated back to the others. Sam slowly approached Gollum, who was rather scared. Sam knelt down beside him and said, "You know the way to Khazad-dum?"

"Yes," squeaked Gollum.

"You've been there before?" said Sam.

"Yes," squealed Gollum, who looked even more scared than before.

"You will lead us to the bridge of Khazad-dum," commanded Sam firmly. "But first, you will have that boxing match with me. I want to beat you up."

Gollum groaned, "Ohh, we don't feel like boxing now, stupid fat hobbit! It ruins it!" he slammed his fist on the ground. Sam sighed irritably. "Fine, 'ave it your own way," he said, getting up, "But you will take us to the bridge of Khazad-dum. We need to be pressin' on, here, and we don't have much time."

Suddenly Gandalf cried, "I DON'T WANT TO DIE, NOOOOOOOOO!" he plunked on the ground again and reached for a tissue. Celeborn patted him on the head and handed him one. Gandalf glared at him and slapped his hand away. Poor Celeborn was shattered.

Gollum looked at Sam. "What's wrong with the wizard, precious?" he asked.

"He's bein' a baby, that's what," Sam replied.

"I am not a baby!" shrieked Gandalf, stamping his foot on the ground. Sam rolled his eyes in annoyance.

Well, that's that, people, now's that lovely part where you tell me what a great job I did! He he he!  



	16. Playing Mini Golf and Pizzaz

I'm so sorry I haven't updated in AGES! My dumb internet's been down. But anyways, here's the next chapster!

Jousting Elf With a Sabre: Thank you for reviewing, as ALWAYS!

Authoressinhiding: Same answer as above.

"Guys, we hafta get movin', here, I'm not running a circus, and I don't have forever to destroy the Ring, and I WANT TO GET BACK TO THE SHIRE SO I CAN DRINK MORE BEER AND GET STONED!" shrieked Frodo suddenly. Everyone stared at him.

"This is the wicked hobbitses that stole our precious?" said Gollum; "He'sss not the brightessst one we've met ssso far on our journiesess, preciousss."

"Get away!" screamed Frodo, pushing him to the ground.

"That's enough outta you, filthy maggot!" barked Sam, shoving him back. "I oughta put you back to Cadet for bein' so outta hand. But this time I'll be nice and let ya keep your rank."

Legolas, Aragorn, and Gandalf glowered and curled their hands into fists. S

am put his head up and motioned for the company to follow him. Everyone was mad and wanted to kill him except for ol' Kelly, who was gnashing his fingers and looking very scared and mislaid.

The Fellowship commenced their journey through the Mines, making no more noise than a mouse on parade, which, if you consider the size of the mouse, than it can be a lot of racket. Everyone was grumbling to themselves about how mean everyone else was, and no one talked to each other for a long time.

Suddenly, as they continued through the great halls of Dwarrowrdelf, Gimli suddenly shouted and ran into a nearby smaller room.

"Gimli!" snapped Gandalf bluntly, annoyed at him for slowing up the journey. Everybody waited for Gimli to come back, and the Hobbs tapped their feet in utter exasperation.

Legolas seized this opportunity that he had been waiting for to comb his hair yet again, and from that day forward, he was Gimli's best friend.

Aragorn said, "Gimli's probably looking for a good stone to throw at Gandalf. Personally," he whispered to Boromir, "I don't really care if the old geezer dies."

"Why doesn't that surprise me?" said Boromir rolling his eyes.

"Shaddap, maggots," yapped Gandalf. Suddenly Pippin had a brilliant idea. "I have a great idea!" he shouted loudly.

"Do we _really_ want to know?" sighed Aragorn. He had just been thinking about how to fix broken knives, and what would happen if he super glued it back together.

"Yes, of course you do, bonehead," retorted Pippin, "Now listen. Why don't we go into the room that Gimli's in, decorate it with a little pizzazz, and then we can PART-AY!"

Everyone was growing very excited at this wonderful strategy, while Celeborn was giving a freaked out look at Legolas, who at that moment was paying no attention to anyone and was putting on skin moisturizer.

"What do I do?" cried Sam, who had given up on these complete idiots.

"We can PART-AY!" shrieked the exuberant Fellowship, who was really getting into the spirit.

"Let's put up balloons and streamers!" cried Boromir enthusiastically, jumping up and down happily.

"And we can get ourselves a tasty buffet and break out the ale!" yelled Aragorn jubilantly, running towards the room, as did all the others.

"HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN!" Everyone shouted, charging full force into the room. Merry and Pippin were skipping together merrily, singing, "I'm havin' a part-ay! A party for two! Invitin' nobody! Nobody but you!"

Poor Gimli had been mourning the loss of his dead cousin, Balin, who had a tomb with the dwarfish letters: R. I. P. That freaked him out a little bit, especially the picture of a pirate taped crudely to the top. He then heard a strange and ghostly laughter coming from the side of the room. Then someone said, "Yo, ho, ho and a bottle of rum!" Gimli saw a lighted prison in the cave. He saw no one inside it, but the door was shut and locked. He drew out his axe and growled, approaching it slowly.

"Bring your pretty face to my ax!" he snarled. No one could be seen, so he put his face up to the door and peeked in. There was much treasure, many old maps and chests, and to the side, a pirate sitting in a chair. It did not move. Gimli blinked, befuddled. Suddenly the pirate moved jerkily and said in an automated tone of voice, "Aye, maties, there's much treasure abroad. Take it while ye can." It then burst into laughter, which suddenly ceased, and the pirate stopped moving.

"Arrrggghh," Gimli growled, "It's just a fake pirate and fake treasure. The coins aren't even real."

The Fellowship charged in at that moment, but halted when they saw Gimli looking into a lighted door.

"What is it, Gimli?" Frodo asked.

"Come and see for yourself," replied the latter. The company glanced at each other uncertainly, and slowly walked over to where Gimli was. They all peered in and saw the whole charade.

"Ooohh, it's an animated pirate, and real treasure," said Aragorn, his eyes growing wide. Gimli punched him.

"It's not real, you dumbbell," he growled.

"It's just like the one in the mini golf places," observed Boromir, staring at it keenly.

"Which ones?" Merry questioned, interested at this whole thing.

"Pirate's Cove," answered Pippin.

After seeing all the things that the pirate said, they lost interest and walked away, the life of the party all gone out of them. But then they saw Legolas putting a ball through a windmill, and they went over to him.

"Whatcha doin'?" asked Frodo.

"I'm playing mini-golf," replied the latter, hitting the ball into the hole.

"I'm playing!" cried Aragorn, grabbing another golf club and ball.

The rest did the same, and soon they had started a fun game. When they were all done, Boromir said, "Well, it's gettin' kinda late, fellas. I probably should be gettin' home now, or my dad'll kill me." He threw the club into a wall and walked out of the room. But suddenly a arrow hit the door right in front of him, and he saw a horrific sight.

Mwa ha ha, I'm so baaad. But do I care? Not in the wee bit slightest. If you review, I'll post the next chapter up soon.


	17. The Cave Troll, James Bond

Thank you for your reviews, my most faithful reviewers!

Authoressinhiding: Don't be sad, Haldir's not dying in this story!

Jousting Elf with a Sabre: Thank you for reviewing this story, as ALWAYS! You two guys are awesome.

"Uh, guys," Boromir started.

"Yeah?" Frodo said, counting his score. But alas and alack, he found that his score was higher than Sam's. To much to be born, I tell you.

"We have a little situation over here," continued Boromir, trying to shut the heavy doors.

"Deal with it yourselves," grumbled Gandalf, who was looking at an old book.

"But they have a cave troll," protested Boromir.

"Oh who cares, it's not like it can hurt-" Gandalf's face froze.

"Is he having a stroke?" Pippin whispered.

"You are soldiers of Gondor," Gandalf suddenly cried, "Whatever comes through those doors, you stand your ground!" They all looked at him as if he was nuts.

"You're nuts!" said Merry, saying what they all thought.

"HESSHHAP, maggot!" spat out Gandalf, slamming the book. It fell to pieces on the floor and made lots of dust bunnies that were there, go, "Yeeeehaaa! Let's have ourselves a grand ol' time!"

The poor Fellowship coughed while Boromir was trying not to let the orcs and the troll in.

"Uh, guys, a little help here?" he begged.

"Only if you get down on your knees, whine like a puppy, and tell me I'm the best guy that ever lived," replied Aragorn snootily.

"I... can't!" yelled Boromir, shoving himself against the door, "Or else they'll get in!"

Gimli stared at him in awe and forgot all about his dead cousin. "Whoa, now there's a Superman if I ever saw one," he said. He looked down at his axe. "For Gondor!" he shouted, running over to help Boromir.

The others looked at each other, and then they drew their swords, repeated, "FOR GONDOR!" really loudly, and charged at the now incoming orcs.

They killed all of them pretty fast, actually in record time, but there was a cave troll to conquer still, and it was raving mad at everyone. Don't ask me why, but it was furious at them for killing its second cousin twice removed, Vinny, who actually was a big spider that Aragorn had crushed earlier. Don't ask me how a spider is related to a cave troll, but that's one of the facts of life, folks. Get usta it.

"Cause it's all in my head, I think about it over an' over again, I keep on picturing you wit him, and it hurts so baadd," Legolas sang sadly and depressingly, singing a little tune sung by Tim McGraw and Nelly.

"You keep picturing _who _with _who_?" inquired Aragorn.

"Eowyn with Faramir," sobbed Legolas, coiling his hands around his bow.

"Faramir gets Éowyn?" shrieked Aragorn, suddenly realizing the whole picture. "Dat's no FAIR!" he screamed at the top of his lungs.

The cave troll, who happened to be named James, said to the company, "The name's Bond. James Bond."

"You FREAK!" hollered Gandalf, "who said that you're James Bond?"

The cave troll pondered for a minute. "Dunno," he replied, sticking a spear into Frodo's gut. No one paid any attention to him as Frodo started to choke and die.

"But..." said Gimli, ignoring Frodo, "I thought James Bond was a guy who was full of himself. He can't be a cave troll that's related to a spider!"

"Maybe he can, and maybe he can't," retorted Aragorn, "All I know is I know a Bond when I see one, and dat ain't no Bond."

"Isn't... a... Bond..." gasped Frodo, dropping to the ground.

"Oh shaddap," returned Aragorn.

The cave troll was not too happy when Aragorn said that he wasn't a Bond, so he knocked him out cold.

"Yeeeehooo!" cried Boromir, jumping for joy, "that's one king down, no more to go!" He began doing a ridiculous dance, celebrating that Aragorn was dead. "Who rules now, baby, who rules now!" he yelled. Sam punched him out cold, making him fall on top of Aragorn.

"That's one idiot down, eight more to go," Sam sighed, wiping his hands. He then ran over to Frodo, thinking he was dead.

"Wake up," he sobbed, holding him, "Don't go to sleep. Don't go to where I can't follow. Dead!" he cried, cradling him in arms.

"Dude, now that's just sick," commented Legolas, looking at Boromir lying on top of Aragorn, and Sam holding Frodo. Gimli agreed completely.

Gandalf, Kelly, and Gollum watched this whole charade with displeasure. Gandalf thought they should be pressing on, Celeborn wanted to get away from Legolas, and Gollum was wishing he was a bat again. Talking 'bout sick; they're what I call sick. S-I-C-K, SICK.

Anyhow, Aragorn awoke with Boromir's hand in his face.

"P-Toomey," he said, pushing it away, "Gross, man. I'd never thought that it'd come to this. Man against man, steward against king, friend against friend." He patted Boromir on the head, and Boromir suddenly woke up and replied heatedly, "You are not my friend, you TOAD!"

"Take that back, you frog!" shouted Aragorn, tackling him.

They continued rolling and punching for quite a while. Whoever said, 'roll with the punches', was referring to those two jerks.

Frodo woke up suddenly, tears running down his face. Actually, they were Sam's, and they had dropped onto him. He made a face and shoved Sam away.

"Bless you, you're awake!" Sam cried, startled.

All Gandalf's hopes of retiring early were shattered when Sam said those fateful words. He sighed despondently and said, "Come on, we've got to get moving. No time for tom-foolery now." He unhurriedly trudged off with Kelly and Gollum behind him.

Sam helped Frodo to his feet, reprimanded the two men, and followed the three out of the room. As the Fellowship left Balin's tomb, the cave troll, with whom Legolas had made friends with, waved good bye and wished them luck.

Legolas had told him that Aragorn was really scared of spiders after he had watched Bill Nye the Science Guy, the one with the giant tarantulas. Since Jimmy and Leggy both knew and agreed that Aragorn was a dumb-dumb, Jim decided to let him go that time.

But as they continued going through the Mines, other Orcs who felt like being mean started to shriek and come out of their hiding places. They crawled out from the floor, the sides, and from the roof.

Somehow that reminds me of Star Wars II, when Anakin and Padme are about to go into the droid making place, and those creepy bug things come out, but never mind.

Anyways, the Fellowship was pretty shook up, and they ran like the wind to try and escape the appearing orcs. But soon they were surrounded with no chance of escaping.

But just then, when all hope seemed lost, some shadows of men appeared on the wall. Then the company turned and saw four men, who looked as if they were riding imaginary horses, came trotting up to them. They each had a servant who was banging two coconuts together, making a sound of clopping hoofs.

The orcs all shrieked and ran away as they came up to the Fellowship, who was startled and befuddled. The men halted when they were close to them.

Another cliff hanger! I'm so meean. But do I care? Not in the slightest. Mwa ha ha! Reviewing time!  



	18. TO INFINITY AND BEEYOND!

Thank you for your reviews! Here is the next chapter, after a very long delay! So sorry, people!

Jousting Elf With a Sabre: Thank you, as always, for reviewing my story. I hope you like this next chapter!

Authoressinhiding: If you keep on laughing like that, you're going to need to get some serious humorous fanfiction insurance.

* * *

CONTINUING ONWARD!

One of the men, who had a crown on his head, said, "Greetings. I am Arthur, King of the Britans. Will you join us, good and brave knights, in my quest to find the Holy Grail? We have ridden since the snows of winter, my fellow knights and I."

The Fellowship stared at him in utter bewilderment and astonishment. Arthur looked at his knights, who were Launcelot, Galihad, Robin, and Bedivere.

They looked back at him, and Bedivere said, "Maybe they're playing freeze-tag, my liege. I have heard that Elves are quite fond of the game, and maybe if we pretend to play along with them-" Launcelot banged him over the head and turned to Arthur.

"Shall I kill them, milord?" he said, "I know I can, just let me slay them all." He tried to run towards the company, but Arthur yanked him back, saying, "No, no, no, I don't need you to kill them for me. I'm trying to convince them to come with me on our quest."

"If I hear one more thing about a quest, I'm gonna go outta my cotton-pickin' mind," Aragorn said angrily.

"Silence!" shouted Sam.

Gandalf said to Arthur, "Lookie here, kingie-person, I've dealt with a lot o' kings in my day, and I don't need some prancin' little pastry to come and start bossin' me around. We don't need to go on a quest, we are not knights, you're not the brightest fellow, and neither is that dude," he pointed to Bedivere, "And we are NOT going to search for some stupid Grail!"

King Arthur was quite taken aback.

"Well, then," he said, "I guess that's a no. Come along, knights, we've a long ways to go yet."

The knights trotted off into the Mines, singing the Camelot song as they went.

"Nasssty knightssss sstole our line, precioussss. We hatesss them. Curssse them," hissed a very angry Gollum, glaring at the disappearing men.

"Freako whack jobs," muttered Boromir under his breath. "Look what this world is turning into."

"Well at least _I_ have joined the environmentalist league, the World Wildlife Fund, and the Arbor Day club, so at least someone in this company has some pity for nature," sniffed Aragorn.

"Dude, you just, like, killed half a dozen spiders on our trip here, not to mention the three thousand deer," Legolas, checking his bow.

"And don't forget the birds you murdered," Frodo pointed out.

Aragorn looked mighty uncomfortable. "How should I know if the deer weren't spies of Sauron?" he said, "And after seeing 'The Incredibles', I want to make sure that none of the birds were spying on us."

"Yo, King Arrogant," said Boromir, "That movie isn't real. It's computer animated, remember?"

Aragorn was stupefied. "You mean... Dash isn't real?"

"Exactly my point," stated Boromir firmly, crossing his arms.

"Aww, nuts," said Aragorn, kicking a helmet.

"Shaddap, maggot," snarled Sam, "Look who's coming." Everyone turned and looked down the long passageway. A growl was heard, and a red glowing light shone on the walls.

"It's the Balrog himself, coming to save us from our torturer," cried Aragorn, dropping down on one knee, "Oh, Balrog, great and powerful Balrog, come and save us now!"

Gandy knew he had to do something quick and easy so he would not be killed. "Come on, maggots," he said, shoving them into a nearby doorway, "Time to skeedaddle and get outta here. No time to lose, sillies!" he hissed, running through the doorway.

Poor Boromir had almost fallen to his death when he was saved by Legolas.

"Oh, skinflints," muttered Aragorn, "I wished he had fallen into the very fires of Mordor."

"Dude, for one thing, we're not in Mordor, and the second thing is..." Boromir said, "I DIDN'T FALL! AH HA, HA, HA, HA!" he cackled, bounding with great ease down the long stairway.

Legolas and Gimli followed, and the Hobbs wondered how Boromir could be so agile. I mean, after eating all that Bryer's ice cream and those Lay's cheddar and sour cream potato chips for the last three months, you would think that he would be enormously obese by now. But, no, there he was, beating all the odds, not to mention ruining Aragorn's reputation as well, and skipping merrily along down the stairs.

"Serenity now, serenity now!" cried Gandalf hopelessly.

The Fellowship finally came to halt when they came upon a large gap in the stairway. Legolas leapt over with ease, and encouraged Gandalf to take a try.

"Come on Gandalf, take a stab at it," he coaxed, patting the stone.

Gandalf was mighty uncomfortable.

"Gandalf is mighty uncomfortable," Pippin whispered to Merry, who was at that moment thinking of a way how to throw stones at measly old cats.

Hey, shut up, would ya? I don't want no hobbit repeating whatever I say, ya know.

"Zorry," said Pippin. Thank you. Now, as I was saying, Legolas was just telling Gandy Candy to take a stab at it.

"Fine, then, if that's what you really want me to do, then I shall do what I should do, and should do what I shall do," Gandalf said, drawing his sword.

Legolas was quite on the befuddled side. "What the-" he started, wondering what wizard was doing.

"To infinity, and BEYOND!" Gandalf cried, stabbing the air with his sword vigorously.

Gimli muttered to himself, "Now he's really done it. Pure posh. I was at least hoping for a few more days, but he's gone nuts." He sighed. As always, everyone simply paid no attention to him.

"Anyways," said Merry, still in his dream world, "How are we going to throw stones at ol' wizards, uh, I mean old cats, I mean..." he looked around sheepishly at everybody, who now thought that _he_ was the one who had totally lost his gourd.

"What I'm _trying_ to say is.." Merry said, correcting himself.

"Is that you're nuts?" Aragorn said.

"You're a freako?" Frodo added, picking his nose.

"You're a whackjob?" Sam said, slapping Frodo's hand away from his nose.

"NO!" yelled Merry, stamping his foot. Then the ground suddenly started to shake and rumble, and Gandalf was suddenly hurled from his spot and onto the other side of the gap. Everyone glared at Merry.

Hope you liked that chapster! Please review! I love getting them!  



	19. Touchdown Gandalf Greyhame!

Sorry I haven't updated so long! But here's the next chapter!

Authoressinhiding: Well, I'm sorry that you're so sad about Haldir dying. Don't worry, in this story, I'll make it so he won't die. Does that make you feel better?

Jousting Elf with a Sabre: Thank you, I'm glad you were laughing. Here's the next chapter! Wait, I already said that...

* * *

Chapter: Dunno and don't care.

"You're the next one to go," growled Gimli, grabbing poor Merry and throwing him to the other side. He himself then followed, saying, "Nobody tosses a Dwarf!" he actually had been saying that for the past three days every five minutes, and now it was really getting tiring.

"Not going to punch you, not going to punch you, not going to punch you," Legolas was saying to himself. His eyes were screwed tight, and his hands were clenching his bow, almost to the point of snapping in two.

Gimli made it over fine, except he nearly fell off when he got to the other side. Everyone else made it over except for Kelly and Aragorn. They both looked at eachother, worried, and started arguing.

"I'm going first!" shouted Celeborn, becoming very hot with all that long hair of his.

"No, you're only a worthless, stupid elf lord who is a wimp and a sissy," yelled Aragorn, "The fate of the Gondorian people rests in my claws, I mean hands, and if I do not find a way, no one will."

Celeborn was furious. "WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIREPIT, YOU MORON! THE STUPID BRIDGE IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER, AND YOU DO NOT NEED TO FIND A WAY! And the last thing," he panted, now very heated, "I am going first. Boromir will make a fine steward, I'm sure-" At this Boromir beamed a big beam.

"And who really cares if you die?" Celeborn finished.

Aragorn said nothing, but suddenly leapt over onto the other side with great ease.

Boromir tripped him and sent him falling on his face. Kelly was mighty uncomfortable.

"Kelly is mighty uncomfortable," said Pippin.

Oh, would you just SHAATAAP! You idiot!

"Sorry," shrugged Pippin, "Force of habit."

Watch your back, smarty pants. Maybe I won't continue to be so nice-nice to you anymore. It's not like you deserve any of my kindness and hospitality and generosity and wonderfulness-

"GET ON WITH IT!" the Fellowship shouted.

Fine, fine, whatever. Moving on, here, the Fellowship finally managed to get Celeborn over to the other side, and they made their way across the long and narrow bridge.

But, alas and alack, the Balrog had followed them using his super secret spying technique. That extremely nice troll back there, James Bond, had sure been very helpful.

"OH, I'll be a secret agent yet!" The Balrog sang, skipping merrily along, terrifying the company. (Sung to the final line of 'a noun is a person, place or thing')

Gandalf decided to risk his career for the Fellowship by fighting him. He turned back to the company one last time and said, "This is the end of all things, my friends. Here I shall die in agony to save your butts, I mean lives, but I shall do it with grace." He then started doing ballet from the second act in "The Nutcracker", and was twirling around and around, and was doing flips and leaps.

The Balrog tackled him to the ground, sending the staff flying out of Gandalf's hand. Gandalf struggled to get free and bounded up. He snatched the staff and ran on the bridge, pretending he was in the Superbowl XXXIV.

"He's at the thirty, twenty, ten," he was saying, "Touchdown Gandalf Greyhame!" And saying this, he toppled over into the chasm and vanished in the dark depths of the world, crying, "Now I can get my promotion!" Then all was silent.

Everyone cheered wildly and ran out in to the open, shrieking for joy. The hobbits did cartwheels, Boromir and Aragorn forgot their feud for the moment and were skipping merrily around, and Gimli and Legolas were doing the tango. Gollum and Celeborn were quite forgotten for the time, and they were just lagging behind moodily.

Chapter 10: Dat Ain't No Elf Witch!

Nobody noticed where they were going until suddenly, Sam noticed that Frodo had disappeared completely from sight. Maybe that was his intention, and maybe it wasn't. Anyhoo, Aragorn saw him walking off by himself.

"Frodo, where in the heck do ya think you're goin'?" cried Aragorn, quite exasperated.

"I have not the heart to tell you," replied Frodo sadly.

"A red sun rises; blood hasssss...wait just a darn minute," yelled Legolas, "That was my line!" he drew out an arrow and aimed it at Frodo.

"You will die before your stroke falls," he said, looking very upset.

"Havo dad, Legolas," said Boromir.

"Fool," hissed Aragorn, drawing his sword, as did Frodo.

Pippin knew he had to do something, so he stood up and said, "Everyone, everyone, come, enough with this tom-foolery. We have work to do."

Before anyone could reply, Saruman came galloping up on a Warg. He stopped in front of Pippin and pointed his black, sharp, pointy stick (or staff) at him.

"The line of Saruman is not lightly thrown aside," he growled.

"Dude, what in the heck are you DOING here?" inquired Aragorn.

"Yeah, inquiring minds want to know," added Pippin. SHUT UP! As I was saying, they all looked to the wizard for an answer.

"I...um... I think I'll have to get back to you on that," he replied, turning his Warg around. Everyone watched in respectful silence as he rode off into the sunset.

"R-E-S-P-E-C-T, tell me what it means-" Boromir started to sing.

"Oh, shaddap, Dumbo!" Legolas yelled, "We're supposed to be SAD, remember?"

Boromir made a face at him.

"Just GET ON WITH IT!" Pippin and Merry yelled.

Aragorn said, "Come on men, we didn't come all this way just to look at it."

The Fellowship continued to run forwards, though Aragorn really had no idea where he was. As they entered some woods, Legolas wondered if Aragorn knew what he was doing.

However, the conniving king at that moment was wondering why apples were red. Suddenly, Frodo gave a huge sneeze! Aragorn whisked around and snapped, "Fool of a Baggins. Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity!"

Frodo wondered what Aragorn really meant by 'throwing himself in'. Where should he throw himself into?

"Whoa," said Legolas. Suddenly, Haldir popped out from behind a tree. He had on a navy blue cheerleading outfit on, and his hair was done up. He was ridiculously waving two pom-poms in the air.

"EEEEKKK," Leggy shrieked, "It's an ugly girl Elf!"

"That is one of the high school cheerleaders, unless my eyes are cheated by some spell," said Boromir.

Haldir had a little show to put on before he insulted Gimli, so he shouted, doing a dance, "Elves go, Elves rule, Aragorn stinks and Sauron's cruel!"

"HEY!" cried Aragorn.

Boromir giggled helplessly.

"GET ON WITH IT!" The rest of the Fellowship yelled.

Aragorn was inspecting Haldir's apparel. "Dude, that is SO last year," he said to him, "You really should change your style. And I thought that my stuff was out of date." He rolled his eyes in disgust.

"Sorry, man," replied Haldir, going behind a tree. A few seconds later, he appeared in Elvish apparel. He eyed Legolas with an evil eye and said, "There are no travelers in this land, only servants of the Dark Tower." He continued to glare at Leggy, who shrunk behind Aragorn.

"Come on, let's move it, smarty-pants," said an irritated Sam. Haldir motioned for them to follow him, and a few days later, after much carefully thought insulting went around, they arrived at Caras Galadhon.

Ok, that's that. Some nice reviews WOULD help, you know. Hint hint.  



	20. Galdy, Kelly, and You've got Mail!

I haven't updated in AGES, but here's the next chapter!

Authoressinhiding: Sorry about that, I probably shouldn't have made him look like such an idiot. He won't be bad in this chapter, I promise!

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Disclaimer: See chapter one.

"Caras Galadhon," stated Haldir.

"Caras Galadhon," repeated Gimli dreamily, a look of love on his face.

"Hold it, buster," said Boromir, "Ya gotta know the witch's married. Don't go pokin' yer ugly big nose inta trouble where it don't belong. I wanna stay on this witch's betta side, if ya know whadd I mean."

Gimli just sighed. Again, everybody ignored him and continued to trudge on. Soon they were climbing a long flight of stairs.

"Very dangerous are the stairs," Gollum commented.

"Shaddap," replied Kelly. (By now I think you should know that Kelly is not Kelly Clarkson, just Celeborn with a twist.)

"It'sss good to know how to climb a long set of stairs, preciousss," Gollum said, "Back when I was your age, I'd climb stairs all the time, and look at me now!" he grinned. "And," he added, "Maybe one of you youngsters might find yourself climbing a secret stair one day. You never knows, preciousss, you never knowsss."

Sam wondered what Gollum was implying, like maybe Aragorn would climb the stairs of doom, or maybe Gandalf would climb the stairs of Ziglak- Zigil, or something like that. Either way rocked, in his opinion.

Soon, they met Galadriel. She gave one glare at her husband, and said, "You SAID you were going to be back at nine o'clock three days ago. And now you return with these stupid idiots?" she pointed to the awkward Fellowship.

"I'm filing for divorce," she said, dialing the number for her attorney.

"No, WAIT!" shrieked Celeborn, snatching the phone out of her hand.

"WHY?" Galdy yelled at him.

"BECAUSE!" shouted Kelly, tossing the phone down the stairs.

Galdy shrieked. "You MORON!" she screamed, "THAT WAS MY LAST HOPE! AND YOU'VE RUINED IT!"

"But HOW CAN I THINK WITH ALL THE RACKET GOING ON!" Kelly screeched, "THAT DARNED PHONE HAS BEEN RINGING OFF THE HOOK WITH DWARVES WHO WANT TO MARRY YOU!"

"Well, if you were a better husband, then maybe I wouldn't hafta ANSWER THEM!" hollered Galdy.

"WHAT!" screamed Kelly at the top of his lungs.

"YOU HEARD ME!" Galdy screamed back.

"NO!" Kelly cried.

"EXCATLY!" Galdy shouted back.

"NO!" Kelly repeated.

"ABSOLUTELY!" shrieked Galdy.

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"Serenity now, serenity now!" Kelly cried, throwing his hands up in the air.

The Fellowship glanced at one another uncomfortably, not knowing what to do, and wishing they could leave the darned place that instant.

Boromir decided to be very brave and spoke up.

"Um, guys, maybe you could settle your affairs so we could be moving on-"

"Shut up!" snapped Galdy, turning to him. "This is none of your affair!"

"That hurts, that really hurts," moaned Boromir. "But what are we going to do, then?" he asked her fervently.

"You're gonna die, your dad's gonna die, and your brother's gonna get shot by an arrow or two and then get the hot chick, Eowyn. Sound good?" said Galdy.

Legolas dropped down onto the ground, shrieking. "NO, no, no, I want Eowyn, I want Eowyn! Wahhhhh, haaaaa, haaaaa!" he covered his face in his hands, and Galdy and Kelly looked at him strangely.

"This the freaky dude with the hair problems?" Galdy said to Kelly, who nodded. She was befuddled. Galdy then turned to the Fellowship, who looked at her.

"Well, it's obvious you've got problems," she started. Suddenly her computer started dancing around the place, shouting, "You've got mail! You've got mail! You've got mail!"

"Shut UP!" screamed Galdy, throwing her shoe at it. The computer stopped immediately. Kelly turned back to his wife angrily.

"See? SEE? _This_ is what I have to deal with every day!" he shouted at her.

"Well, excuse moi, Mr. Perfect," returned Galdy, "YOU aren't the best person to be around, either!"

Kelly turned back to the company. "Oh, I'm not?" he said, "Just ask them!" he pointed to the Fellowship. "THEY will vouch for me! And if they don't, no more nice-nice for them! So, whaddaya say, guys?" he asked them. "Weren't we pals?"

The Fellowship was very awkward. "Um..." started Frodo, "Well, it did kinda throw us off guard when you arrived in that Darth Vader suit, but other than that..." he said.

Galdy was shocked! "WHAT?" she shrieked, "You wore that ridiculous outfit after I told you not to? And in front of all these idiots! You're no better than the lot of 'em!"

"That hurts, that really hurts," said Kelly, putting his silky smooth hand to his heart. His hands were also fresh from a manicure.

Not far to go until the endsss of the storiess, preciousss! It would helpss if we gotsss reviewsss, yesss!  



	21. The Cool River literally

Haven't updated in a while, I've been really busy with my Star Wars stories. Sorry bout that!

**NOTICE: Actually, a question. I wanted to do a LOTR/Narnia crossover. Do you think I should go for it? **

Jousting Elf WIth a Sabre: You're totally excused! Hope you like this chapter!

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Chapter... I've lost count.

That night, as Frodo was sleeping peacefully, Galdy came up and grabbed him by the throat.

"Oaf, hack, hack, hack," Frodo choked and coughed, suddenly awaking.

"You will come with me," she said firmly, yanking him out of his bed. She brought him to a pool of water, and after dumping more water in, she shoved Frodo next to it.

"There, look in it," she said irritably.

"But I-"

"Just DO IT!"

Frodo slowly peered into the water, and suddenly saw a big eye. It looked around for a moment, and then was gone. Frodo looked up at Galdy for some answers, but she was busy talking to Gimli, who had sneaked out of bed.

Frodo looked back down and saw something very interesting. It was the movie "Pirates of the Caribbean". As he watched Legolas and Johnny Depp for a few minutes, Galdy turned to him.

"What did you see?" she asked him.

"I looked into your future and I saw death," remarked Frodo creepily, looking up.

Galdy was confused. "Ya know, for a hobbit, you sure are freaky. I think you can go home now. There's no need for you to be here anymore." She turned back to Gimli.

Frodo scampered off only to hear Kelly screaming at his wife for being seen with a Dwarf. What an exciting night that had been! Not.

The Fellowship were finally given a couple of measly old boats, and after Aragorn twice checked them for spiders, they were merrily on their way. As they rowed as fast as a motorboat, they could still hear Galdy and Kelly screaming at each other.

"And I thought I had problems," muttered Boromir, rowing a bit faster. Frodo, scared as usual, fell out of the boat that he was sharing with Sam and Argo.

"Private, get BACK in here right NOW!" shrieked Sam.

"If he doesn't have a place to fall down, then he falls out of a boat," Aragorn remarked unpleasantly. He yanked a drowning Frodo out of the water and slapped him on the head.

"Wish he had drowned. Good riddance," mumbled Gimli, who was feeling the hair that Galdy had ripped out of her head in frustration.

"Now that's just sick," Legolas commented, looking away.

Next chapter: The Cool River

The Fellowship traveled the great river for many days and many nights.

"Aragorn, tell us a story," Pippin said, almost ready to go to sleep. The rest urged him on.

"Yeah, let's hear a story," said Boromir.

"One about knights and fair maidens in distress," added Merry, sitting up.

"The fair maidens in distress would pretty much describe Frodo," muttered Boromir.

"Mr. Mutterer," retorted Frodo, now really wishing he were stone drunk.

Aragorn raised his hand. "Fine, if you want a story, you'll get a story." The Fellowship leaned closer as Aragorn lit his pipe and turned very serious. But suddenly, he burst out singing. "Here's a story of a lovely lady, who was-"

"That's not the story I was wanting!" cried Legolas, "I wanted a story about me getting Eowyn, and her falling hopelessly in love with me, and her fainting in my arms at the battle of Helm's Deep, and then I awake her with a kiss, and-"

"He's gone nuts!" cried Boromir, "Help us all from insanity!"

"Serenity now, serenity now!" yelled Sam, throwing his hands up in the air.

Gimli turned to Boromir. "But your father is mad, isn't he?" he asked him.

Boromir thought. "Yeaahh, so what?" he replied, shrugging his shoulders.

"Do ya think you might have gotten some of his insanity from him?" Gimli said, smoking his pipe thoughtfully.

Boromir thought some more. "Nahh," he answered, "I got my mom's qualities. A chance for Boromir, captain of Gondor, to show his quality." He slowly glanced at Frodo, who looked even more scared than usual.

"Didn't you steal your brother's line?" Merry said.

Boromir thought some more. "Oh yeahh," he said sadly.

That chapter was a bit short, but since I don't have that much written further, I want to prolong it as much as possible. Reviews are greatly appreciated!  



	22. Where were you on October the 27th?

Whoa, I really have to start writing this again... ALL IN FAVOR OF A SEQUEL, SAY 'PLEASE DO!" I'm almost done with this story... yeahh! Thanks for all of your reviews!

Authoressinhiding: Thanks for your support, I have already begun a crossover. I hope you like it!

clepweb: Thanks for your review, hope you like this chapter!

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Disclaimer: Don't own LOTR... (NOOOO!)

The next day they continued to travel along the Great River, but Sam didn't think there was anything great about it. Too much sand, not enough fish, and too much of Gollum, who had now left the Fellowship and was waiting for them to break up.

"Now, who did you say you were again?" Legolas asked Boromir as they set up camp just before the falls of Rauros.

Boromir cleared his throat, and Legolas rolled his eyes.

"I am Boromir, captain of Gondor," Boromir stated proudly.

"Well, aren't you just a monkey's uncle," Legolas retorted.

"Actually, according to Darwin and the way you smell, you probably are," giggled Aragorn.

Boromir turned a beet red and stomped off into the woods.

"Plaid shirts and striped pants rarely make a positive fashion statement," Pippin pointed out to Merry, trying to be helpful.

Merry groaned and threw his hands up in the air. "Serenity now, serenity now!" he cried.

Sam had been whipping up a delectable luncheon, when he suddenly noticed that Frodo was no longer beside him listening to his cooking class. He looked all around him, but the reluctant Ringbearer was no where to be found.

"Drat," he mumbled, "I was just about to show that wuss some good pointers."

Merry popped in next to Sam and eyed his progress for a while. Sam slowly turned to look at him.

"Was there something you wanted?" asked Sam irritably. He had problems with people watching him cook. Merry jumped to attention.

"Reporting for duty, sir!" he said wisely.

"Don't be such a smart-aleck," retorted Sam, throwing more things into the stew.

Merry continued to watch him cook, but Sam said, "Whaddya want, dude?"

Merry scratched his head. "Well...you see, um sir, Frodo is, um, well..."

"Well WHAT?"

"He quit your army."

"WHAT? HE DID WHAT?"

"Just what I said, sir."

"WHAT DID HE DO THAT FOR!"

Merry backed away from Sam. "I, um, he said you're too tough for his needs, sir." Sam growled and curled his fists into balls.

"Now, don't kill the messenger, sir!" cried Merry, starting to run. Sam watched him race away with Pippin into the woods. Soon they were out of sight.

Sam was about to sign Frodo's letter of fealty when he realized that everyone had disappeared. No one could be heard or seen, and there was a stillness in the air that made Sam uncomfortable.

"It's too quiet," he mumbled. "There hasn't been sight or sound of a bird for two hours. Somethin's not right, here." He pondered whether to add some garlic to his stew, which he needed to, because it was very bland and was also in need of some carrots and lettuce and...WAIT! This is no time for stew, folks. Not when there's evil out there chasing your Mr. Frodo. Especially stupid Mr. Frodo. But, if you're his commanding officer, he is your responsibility. Save the cooking for later. With this revelation in mind, Sam sprinted into the woods, fearing of what was out there, but he took no heed whatsoever.

Meanwhile, Frodo was taking a walk to get away from Sam. He was admiring the nice foliage and statues, and how he wished he could bring the outside in and get one of those statues for Bag End, but then he knew it wouldn't fit through the front door, when... he saw Boromir approaching.

If he had been a smart girl, he would have fainted, if he had been Aragorn, he would have called him a name, if he had been Legolas, he would have criticized his hair, but! No. He simply just stood there. Juuust like Frodo does. Stand there.

Boromir continued to approach him. And what do you think he did next? Stand there. And then, what do you think he did after that? You don't need the gory details.

Boromir was picking up wood for the fire as he came closer, and was muttering to himself, "This one's rotten, this one's rotten, this one's rotten, this one is..." he examined it, and Frodo held his breath.

"Rotten," Boromir stated, tossing it into the brush. Frodo deflated like a dead puffer fish. Boromir kept throwing away perfectly good wood, and murdering practically all the wood animals ( such as squirrels, mice, rabbits, and skunks, which needed to be killed anyways) as he was doing it. Frodo was mortified.

"Boromir, that wood is fine," he said.

Boromir jumped ten feet in the air. "Why Frodo, you startled me," he said smilingly. Frodo was a bit worried.

"Um, are you all right? You're acting kinda strange."

"Me? Strange? Oh you're so kind."

Frodo gave him a freaked out look. "Um, I think I'll go finish cooking class," he said, "So I'll see ya later. Ooorrr not." He turned around and started to saunter away.

"Hold it Frodo. Hold it right there," said Boromir in a hard voice.

"What the-" started Frodo. Boromir rushed over to him and grabbed his shoulder tightly, getting close to his face. Frodo wished he would stop having onions for breakfast, and wondered if that was a custom in Gondor. Men. Sheesh.

Boromir said fervently, "Where were you on the night of October the 27th?"

Frodo was bewildered, which, considering Frodo and how tiny a brain he has is quite normal by now, but anyways. "At home?" he guessed. "No, maybe it was in the tavern-WAIT a second here, what difference does it make where I was?"

"You will see," said Boromir creepily. "Oh yes, you will see."

"Quit acting like Gollum, stupid!" yelled Frodo, irritated.

"How DARE you talk to me, the captain of Gondor that way!" shouted Boromir, shaking Frods like a bag 'o peas.

"Don't get so emotional," replied Frodo, who was now started to get really freaked out. "Boromir, I know how you feel," Frodo started gently, (yeah right, as if you know what anybody else is thinking. What are you, some kinda mind reader or somethin?) "But you and I need to realize our differences and talk this out. In other words, you go and get outta here, and I hafta leave and find Mr. Fire-eyes. Get it?"

"Got it," replied Boromir firmly, letting go of Frodo.

"Good," answered Frodo, saluting him army style.

"To battle," said Boromir.

"To battle," replied Frodo, marching off back to the camp. As he turned and watched Boromir run off into the woods, Frodo said to himself, "Here's lookin' at you, kid." He smiled and continued on.

Almost done with the Fellowship of the Ring! Then it'll be The Two Towers, and then the Return of the King... all with different names of course! That is, if I get the chance to write them. They won't be around for a bit, I want to focus more on my other stories. Thanks!  



	23. Star Wars Party Hats

Oh boy, I feel so bad for not having updated this sooner... I'm not entirely sure now if or when I'm gonna make a sequel... I have a few other stories that require my attention. But I'll think about it. Hope you enjoy this chapter!

Authoressinhiding: So sorry I haven't update sooner, I hope you like this chapter!

Jousting Elf with a Sabre: Same as above... thanks for reviewing!

* * *

Disclaimer: See some other chapter.

Sam was running through the forest and calling Frodo's name when he bumped into Aragorn.

"Strider, you know where Frodo is? I can't find him anywhere, and he missed the best part of my cooking class!"

"I have not seen him, sir," said Aragorn gravely, "But I will look for the missing company ASAP." He ran off past Sam. Merry and Pip-squeak came rushing up to Sam, panting. "Scout report, sir," said Pippin, "We have located the enemy fleet, I mean we didn't find Frodo. Nevertheless, we have discovered something bad." The two glanced at each other nervously.

"Well, what is it?' questioned Sam.

"Orcs, sir," answered Merry. "Big ones, big ones! They're big, they're ugly, and they're headed this way, sir! What do I do?"

Sam answered, "For starters, you don't take my lines, next, I want everyone to split up and search for Private Frodo. Cadet Merry, Cadet Pippin, you search the forest. I want it gone over with a fine- toothed comb, understand?"

The hobbits jumped to attention and bounded off into the forest. Sam muttered to himself. "Stupid orcs...stupid Aragorn...stupid Mr. Frodo...stupid trees...stupid everything.." So I guess you can see here that Sam is in a stupid calling mood.

Meanwhile, Frodo had met up with Aragorn and darted off into the woods. "Watch out for that tree!" called Aragorn as Frodo smashed into a huge oak. "Yowsers!" Our hurt hero cried. Wait... is he really the hero?

Anyways, as Frods got back up, Argy turned around to see a whole bunch o' orcs coming straight for him. He knew that it was his time to shine. "This little light of mine," he sang, "I'm gonna let it shine!"

"Be quiet!" Gimli snapped as they chopped orc's heads off. "For once in your pathetic life, be quiet!"

Aragorn pouted and stabbed another Uruk in the chest. I won't go into gory detail, here.

"Oh la la la la! How I love to sing, sing, and sing some more!" Aragorn said joyfully, slashing Orcs here and there.

"Oh Shut your mouth!" Legolas cried, suddenly springing up from behind him.

Aragorn pouted. "Did I say anything?" he asked.

"Yes!"

"I didn't say anything!"

Aragorn shrieked and ran off down the hill for no good reason, flinging his sword around. Legolas watched him and suddenly whipped out his blue lightsaber and ignited it, killing Orcs speedily.

Boromir showed up and joined the party. "Do ya got any Star Wars hats?" he shouted, banging an Uruk's head.

Legolas stared at him. "What?"

"YA GOT ANY HATS?"

"NO!"

"WHY ON EARTH NOT?"

"BECAUSE!"

"BECAUSE WHY?"

"BECAUSE... uh... I dunno," Legolas replied sheepishly.

Aragorn chopped off another orc's head.

Whoa, that was a short chapster, so sorry. But I haven't got anymore written for the present! I'll try to update the last few chapters sooner.


	24. Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Merry

Yes... I know I haven't updated in ages! That's because my files were down and I couldn't access this story.. but I'm back now! This is gonna be one of the last chapters... and in the next, a dramatic turn will occurr!

Authoressinhiding: Hey, thanks for your review. Hope you like this chapter, too! It's longer!

Jousting Elf with a Sabre: I think I will! It's going to be called: The Two Cowards. Catchy, huh? Thanks for your reviews!

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Chapter... I forget again. 

Disclaimer: See some other chapter. Oh, and I don't own Monty Python and the Holy Grail, either.

Boromir shrugged and ran off into the woods, while Legolas discarded his lightsaber and took out his bow, shooting everything in sight. A tree was hit by him, and Aragorn had to jump into the brush to avoid being hit.

"Die Orc dogs!" Legolas shrieked, whacking everything he possibly could. Suddenly he stopped, horrified. "OH! What I did say?"

"Uh, you said 'die Orc dogs'," Gimli answered, chopping off another Uruk's head.

Legolas gave him a withering glance. "I know what I said, smart-mouth!" he hissed angrily.

"ARRGH!" Gimli yelled, "I'll have no pointy-eared outsmarting me!" With that, he began to cut down as many Uruks as he could, trying to get to Legolas and give him a piece of his mind.

Meanwhile, Frodo was running as fast as he could to the boats, trying to find Sam. Merry and Pippin were searching for Frodo, and Boromir and Sam were searching for Merry and Pippin. Because of that, they ended up running around in circles.

"We're lost!" Merry wailed, howling at the moon… which wasn't there.

Pippin, on the other hand, was a bit more positive. "There must be someone looking for us," he replied cheerfully. "They'll find us soon."

"NOOOO!" Frodo shrieked, darting past them quickly. The two Hobbits stared at him.

"Mr. Frodo!" Sam yelled, chasing after him.

"Merry! Pippin!" Boromir shouted, tramping after Sam, think that he was one of the two. He didn't see them hiding behind a log.

Merry turned to Pippin. "Now's our chance," he said, "BOROMIR!" he yelled, his voice echoing.

But the Gondorian was too far ahead to hear anything.

"ECHO! Echo!" Pippin called, smiling in triumphant glee when he heard echoes of his voice.

Merry slapped him upside his head. "Quit playin' around!" he said, angered.

Pippin merely stuck out his tongue before grabbing a coconut from his jacket and banging the two empty halves together.

"We're Knights of the Round table, we dance whenere' we're able! We do routines, and chorus scenes, and footwork impeccable!" he sang loudly, trotting off into the forest.

Merry stared after him. "Hey! Come back here you stupid fool!" he screeched.

The sudden trampling of large, stinky feet behind him got his attention.

"There he is!" one Uruk cried. He was shriveled and wore a dark hood. His eyes were a yellow-red. "He's still alive…"

"Well of course I'm alive, you halfwit!" Merry retorted indignantly.

They stared at him. "Well, after him!" the Uruk cried, pointing at him. The other Orcs cowered in fear, backing away. "Well what is it?" The Uruk shouted angrily.

"I'm afraid of logs," one Orc sheepishly admitted.

"I'm afraid of sticks," another spoke up.

"And I'm afraid of midgets," a third said.

Merry looked at them indignantly. "I'm not a midget, I'm a hobbit," he retorted, miffed.

"All the same thing," the Orc shrugged.

"No, no it isn't," Merry disagreed, shaking his head.

The head Orc, whose name was Palpz, growled in anger and shouted, "AFER HIM, YOU FOOLS!"

Merry decided that it would be an excellent time to start running. And so he did.

"Come back here!" Palpz shouted furiously, "I'll bite yer legs off!"

"I don't know why he's so upset!" Merry yelled, catching up with Pippin, "It's not as if WE did anything! It's all Frodo's fault!"

"Bravely bold Sir Merry, rode forth from Hobbiton, he was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Merry! He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways! Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Merry!" Pippin sang, tapping on an imaginary tambourine.

Merry smirked self importantly and trotted along with his cousin, the Uruk-hai forgotten for the moment.

"He was not the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp," Pippin continued, "Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken! To have his kneecaps split, and his body burnt away! And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Merry!"

Merry's grin was quickly fading as he nervously glanced back, noticing the Orcs coming closer.

"His head smashed in and his heart cut out and his liver removed and his–" Pippin's singing was abruptly cut short by the Uruks charging and throwing them onto their backs.

What had happened to Boromir, you now must wonder? Well… back to the big people in the group… not including Gimli.

"That's fifteen for me, loser!" Boromir yelled triumphantly, whacking off another Orc's head.

"I'm on nineteen!" Legolas cried, doing a small victory dance.

Aragorn glared at them, ashamed at his own number. "Two already!" he said in a depressed voice.

The others began to laugh hysterically. "You pitiful man!" Gimli chuckled, "Whatever shall we do with you?" He himself was on seventeen.

Aragorn started to wail. "I'll never be a good fighter," he sobbed, "I'm a worthless piece of–"

"There's a reason this story's rated K, you idiot!" Boromir shouted over the growling of the Orcs.

"I was going to say," Aragorn snapped, "JUNK! Worthless piece of junk!"

Boromir shrugged. "Oh. No harm done." He went back to killing Orcs. Just when it seemed like he was about to survive…. He was shot in the stomach. "Oh… well.." he gasped, "See you blokes later." Boromir then fell to the ground, seemingly dead.

The three that were left continued to cut down the Orcs until they were all dead. Aragorn stared around him, panting. Legolas was standing deep in thought, and Gimli was wiping his axe on the ground. Suddenly, Boromir opened his eyes and gasped, pulling the arrow out of him.

"I'm alright," he said, "I'm not hurt." He stood up and brushed himself off. "Blasted dirt," he muttered, not noticing the stares he was getting.

Gimli barreled into him. "You are… the luckiest man I ever knew!" He cried, hugging him. "Bless you, laddie, bless you!" Boromir grinned and patted him on the head.

Aragorn was rather miffed, and Legolas watched the scene, uninterested. "Now that we're all one big happy family, can we find Frodo and Sam now?" he asked.

"I thought I was the one who was blessed," Aragorn muttered.

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Hope you liked that chapter! The next one I'm looking forward too... mwa ha ha ha! Don't forget to leave a donation in the blue box below!  



	25. THE FINAL CHAPTER, PERIOD

Well, this is the last chapter! The end of this story! AND there's a twist! The sequel won't be coming up for a while.. I've got three other stories to finish, PLUS the sequels for those, too! SO enjoy this chapter, and thanks!

Gimlihamster: Thanks so much!

Jousting Elf with a Sabre: Thanks so much for reviewing! I like you return of the king idea! Hope you like this chapter. I'm dedicating this last chapter to you.

* * *

THE. FINAL. CHAPTER. PERIOD. 

Disclaimer: See some other chapter. This chapter is dedicated to Jousting Elf with a Sabre.

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"I thought I was the one who was blessed," Aragorn muttered.

Boromir shook his head. "Nope," he replied cockily. "Well, now that we're all alive and well, let's find Frodo and Sam."

"What about Merry and da Pipster?" Gimli asked. The others stared at him.

"What?" he said.

"Da Pipster?" Legolas echoed. Gimli nodded.

"He told me to start calling him that," he replied sheepishly, fidgeting with his axe.

Aragorn shook his head. "Whatever…" he muttered. "Come on, let's just find Frodo first. I mean, with short little legs like his, he can't have gotten far."

The others nodded in agreement, but when they got to the shore… they found two very different people. They weren't Frodo and Sam.

"G'day, mates," one man said in a low, rather slurred tone, "Could ye tell us where we are?"

The Fellowship, or what was left of them, stared at the two fellows. Legolas, in particular, was staring at the man who hadn't spoken. The young man had shoulder length dark brown hair, brown eyes, and a slight goatee. The man who had spoken looked older, with a tri-cornered hat, long dreadlocks, and nearly black eyes. They were both carrying swords.

"Who are you?" Aragorn said in a guarded tone. "What have you done with Frodo and Sam?"

The older man looked confused for a second. "Oh them," he said, suddenly remembering, "I saw them leavin' for the other shore. Isn't that right, Will?" he glanced at the young man, but he was staring at Legolas.

"Will…" he followed the young man's gaze to Legolas and made a face. "Oh dear. You're not another eunuch are you?" he nodded to the elf, who was confused.

"A what?" Legolas asked.

"You look a lot like me," the young man spoke up. "Who are you?"

Gimli growled. "I believe, laddie, that we asked _you_ first, didn't we, Boromir?" The Gondorian nodded, suspicious of the two odd men.

The older man smiled and bowed. "The name's Captain Jack Sparrow," he said, "And this here is my faithful mate, Mr. Will Turner. We were supposed to be on our ship by now, but suddenly we found ourselves here. Now, if you'd be so kind as to tell us where 'here' is."

"You're in Middle Earth," Aragorn replied, "And right now we're in Amon Hen. This river is the Great River."

Jack frowned, looking at the river. "What's so great about it?"

Aragorn glared at him. "You got a problem, mister?" he snapped, drawing out his sword.

"No," Jack replied, "Do you?"

"Let's just leave these fools here and hurry up with finding the Hobbits," Boromir growled angrily.

"Which ones?" Gimli asked in return. "It appears that Frodo and Sam are beyond our grasp… let them go, laddie. Let them be. We'll find Merry and Pippin."

Will finally stopped staring at Legolas for a moment. "But we're supposed to meet the _Black Pearl_," he protested. "We don't know how to find our way back home."

"If only Gandalf were here," Aragorn muttered.

Legolas finally spoke up. "They appear to be no harm, Aragorn," he said, "Let them join us."

Will nodded enthusiastically and glanced at Jack for approval.

"Very well then," Jack replied cheerfully, "Lead the way, um… what are yer names, good sirs?"

"Aragorn, son of Arathorn," Aragorn replied, irritated, "This is Gimli, son of Gloin, Legolas of the Woodland realm, and Boromir of Gondor."

Jack nodded and they began to run off into the woods.

"We'll explain more to you later," Boromir called as they darted past trees. Poor Gimli was having a hard time keeping up, though.

"Not more midgets, are they?" Jack said, frowning. "We pirates don't like midgets."

"You're pirates!" Aragorn bellowed, whisking around.

Jack blinked. "I thought ye knew that, mate," he replied, surprised.

Aragorn just growled as they ran though the woods.

* * *

Sam, a little while before this, had found Frodo taking off in his boat without him. "EY! Just where do ya think YOU'RE OFF TO?" he yelled, voice echoing.

Frodo turned around. "GO HOME SAM!" he shouted, "Little hobbits like you don't belong in wars."

"I'm not a little hobbit!" Sam yelled, stepping into the river, "I'm comin' with you whether you like it or not!" he began to wade deeper into the water. Suddenly without warning, two men appeared on the shore.

"Jack!" said one man. "Where are we?"

The other man frowned and shook his head. "I've no idea," he answered, looking around. He then spotted Sam and Frodo, who were staring at them. "AH, could ye tell us where we are?" he called out.

Sam just gave him a strange look and swam further into the water until he climbed into the boat. "Let's get outta here," he said in a low voice. Frodo agreed.

The two began paddling furiously to the other side of the river, with the two men staring after them, confused.

"Hey, where are ye going, mates!" the man hollered.

"Going away from YOU!" Frodo called back.

Sam sighed as they reached the shore and began walking though the woods. "Well isn't this brilliant," he said sarcastically.

"Don't worry," Frodo replied rather cheerfully, "I've saved a bunch of coconuts for us."

Sam stared at him. "What for?"

"Well, I picked a few off of those knights a ways back," Frodo continued, "And I thought they might cheer us up. Look!" he took one out and began to trot, banging the coconut together.

Sam shook his head. "I think I'm gonna regret this," he muttered, as Frodo then began to sing: "We Knights of the Round Table, we sing whenere' we're able, we do routines, and chorus scenes, and footwork impeccable!"

The END. PERIOD.

* * *

That's it! Thanks for reading.  



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